


FireFly

by Drac_hoe_no



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Connor Deserves Happiness, Evan works at the Orchard during the summer and meets Connor, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, My original AU you can prise it from cold dead hands, Treebros, Well For Now Anyway, bipolar connor murphy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2020-02-28 17:36:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 30,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18761185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drac_hoe_no/pseuds/Drac_hoe_no
Summary: Evan works at the Orchard during the summer.Connor recently survived a failed suicide attempt, so the Murphy’s go to the Orchard in an attempt to sort their family out.After a fight with Larry, Connor walks away from their picnic and crosses paths with Evan Hansen.Can the two broken boys save each other?Or are they too far gone?





	1. Chapter 1

Going to the orchard was a bad idea. 

It was rundown, the few other families that were there didn’t look as happy as they were supposed to be, rotten apples were just strewn across yellow grass where groundskeepers hadn’t bothered to pick them up, even the swing set which Connor and Zoe used to play on had turned orange with rust from age, and Connor doubted that it’d even be able to hold a child’s weight anymore. 

The Murphy family were having a picnic at the orchard. 

“I think we could all do with some reminisce of the glory days.” Cynthia had said when the family argued on what a terrible idea that was.

Connor had attempted suicide, nearly successfully too. That was why they were participating in this sad state of affairs, “family time.” He’d had it planned for months, the suicide, but finally worked up the bollocks to go through with it a couple of weeks ago. He took pills out of Larry’s medicine cabinet and fucked off to the park after a big fight about his hair.

His hair. Connor nearly killed himself because his dad disapproved of his hair. The one thing he felt like he had control over and it nearly made him loose everything.

Obviously it wasn’t just his hair that made Connor not want to live anymore, but it was what pushed him over the edge that day. 

Now, however, saw Cynthia sitting on an old, threadbare, checkered picnic blanket on the rough ground. Larry was next to her, resting on his knees and a pitiful spread of food was laid out before them.

Zoe was laying down, Connor couldn’t tell if she was cloud watching or asleep. 

And Connor? He was just sitting with his long legs stretched out, covered by the heavy fabric of his jeans even on such a hot day. 

The silence was near unbearable. The only sound was that of the family on the other side of the field. Two parents and two young toddlers, a girl and a boy. Like the Murphy family had once been, hopeful and young and full of laughter.

There wasn’t much hope anymore. Hell, there was fuck all laughter either. And Connor hadn’t been young for a long time, his childhood was ripped from him by mental illness before he was done with it. 

He hadn’t been done dressing up for Halloween. He hadn’t been done with getting excited over Christmas, waiting up till midnight with hot chocolate. He wasn’t done with Easter Egg Hunting or having birthday parties. 

Connor wasn’t done with living, but by the time he realised this, he was too late and his brain had decided for him.

“Isn’t this nice?” Cynthia asked in a falsely sweet voice, “That family over there reminds me of you two. My God, you were so young.” She sighed and clutched at her heart, looking over at the family as if she could pretend her children were still babies and that her family was not falling apart at the seams. 

“How is this nice?” Zoe asked quietly. Ah so she wasn’t asleep, Connor thought. 

“Zoe.” Larry warned. Suddenly the whole mood shifted from a quiet, depressing silence to a heavy and tense atmosphere. 

“So is this why you brought us here, Mum?” She asked, propping herself up on her elbows so she could really glare at her parents, “To relive the ‘glory days’ and pretend that your son didn’t just try to off himself?” 

Connor didn’t dare steal a glance at Cynthia, he knew what her facial expression would be. Heartbreak and disappointment, the same damn expression she wore every day of this pitiful little life. 

He could hear the tears welling up in his mother’s brown eyes, so much like her daughters when she next spoke, “Zoe sweetheart, please don’t bring up-“

“Bring up what?” Zoe said in a much louder, firmer voice. “The fact that Connor nearly died? Are we just going to come back to the last place where we were all fucking happy for once and that suddenly fixes everything? You’re not even talking about getting Connor help!” 

“Connor doesn’t need-“ Larry began, but Zoe cut him off with a harsh, ironic laugh.

“You’re not going to get him into therapy then? For what? A reputation?” She asked mockingly, “You know what you’re doing?” She hissed, eyes glazed over in tears, “You’re killing my brother.” She punctuated each word with a swift punch to the ground, leaving quite an impressive dent in the yellow grass.

“No!” Larry yelled, standing up and glaring down at his daughter. “Connor is killing himself!” 

Don’t get involved, Connor thought, you’ll only make it worse. Don’t get involved. Don’t get involved. Slam on the brakes. Don’t-

Connor stood up and rounded on Larry. 

For a moment he questioned whether or not he should punch him square in the jaw. He could, it’d certainly be deserving and he’d had more than enough practise with his wall and other dickheads in the past.

Connor reeled his arm back, balled up his fists, narrowed his eyes and- 

He couldn’t do it. 

Instead, he did the next best thing. Dropping his arm down at his side, Connor starred his father right in the eye and hissed, “Fuck you.” 

He jammed his fists into the pockets of his black hoodie and stormed off. He was a good distance away from the explosion he’d just created when he realised he was crying. 

Connor liked to think he never cried and if you just saw him passing on the streets, you’d never peg him as the type of guy to cry himself to sleep every night. The tough persona was both a beautiful blessing and a painful curse. 

But he did. Cry. At night. In the shower. About his depression, his family, the pressure of school, or something stupid like an advert on TV that reminded him of something. 

And it always started out the same, a few tears cascading down his cheekbones like a great, unfinished symphony of a waterfall before the dam broke and soon he was gasping for air between sobs. 

Connor was always an ugly crier, the sobs were loud and choking and were ripped out from his throat so violently he felt as if he’d lost all control. Tears flooded his blue/brown eyes before his vision got blurry and he couldn’t see where he was going but he didn’t want to see. He didn’t want to know. He just wanted to go. Far away. Away from Larry, away from the people are school who called him a freak, away from his fucking brain and it’s fucked up thoughts and it wasn’t fucking normal to be feeling this way! 

Everything was heavy, putting one foot in front of the other was effort. He could feel the blood running through his veins and he wondered, just for a moment, what it would be like if he were to... to- 

Stop. 

Stop everything. 

To die. What does it feel like to die? Some people call it ‘The Big Sleep’. 

Would it be peaceful? Would it be loud? Would he be able to hear the voices in his head until the very end? Or would the threat of death scare them away? For good? Would they come back? Where? In heaven? In hell? Even if Connor believed in heaven and hell, which he didn’t, he knew he’d definitely be going to the latter. 

He suddenly got the urge to lay on the ground. To lay on the soft, healthy grass now that he’d created a safe distance between himself and the orchard, and stare up at the sky. It was a light blue, a few clouds dotted here and there and then Connor was laughing. He was laughing so hard he couldn’t tell whether the tears were from his breakdown or his laughter. 

God, it was ridiculous. Life is ridiculous. It’s like some cruel joke, he was so free lying on this grass but he’d never felt more trapped, more insignificant than he had lying on this grass, starring up at the sky, at the universe which had cleverly, oh so fucking cleverly, trapped us all.

And he was so caught up in his laughter that Connor didn’t hear the footsteps cautiously approaching him. He didn’t notice the figure hovering over him. 

Until he did.

“H-Hi.” Someone stuttered and Connor was pulled out of his detachment to stand up properly and see who the fuck was talking to him now. It was a boy, around his age, short and blond with a blue polo shirt and brown khakis and a cast on his arm. 

“Hi?” Connor asked, an eyebrow raised and he was probably being rude but did he care? 

Maybe a bit.

“S-Sorry.” The boy began, “Its j-just you looked, um, well I saw y-you crying and-“ 

“I’m sorry,” Connor interrupted in the most unapologetic tone, “But who are you?” 

“Evan Hansen.”


	2. Chapter 2

Evan saw this boy on the ground, looking broken and defeated. The sobs forcing themselves out of his shaking frame reminded the blond boy all too well of nights he had spent crying into a pillow. In that moment, Evan Hansen decided he was going to do whatever it took to help Connor Murphy. 

“Evan Hansen.” Connor replied, using the sleeve of his black hoodie to wipe his face, “Please, can you just... leave?”

Evan shook his head, “I-I don’t think I should-“

“Yeah well what do you know?” He asked rhetorically, “Really, dude I’m fine.” 

“Y-You don’t look f-fine.” Evan argued, picking at the hem of his blue polo shirt.

Really, why was he bothering? He knew who it was, Connor Murphy the ‘School Shooter Freak’. He didn’t think Connor knew that Evan knew who he was though. 

“Hey leave me the fuck alone, alright?” Connor snapped, standing up fully to glare at Evan. This was a stance that he had accommodated all to quickly to, and it very rapidly became his defensive move for when he felt vulnerable. His striking height towered over anyone who’d cross him, eyes narrowed dulling the blue hues to an offsetting grey sort of colour and through slightly parted lips he panted out breaths of hot air, indicating his levels of frustration his body withheld.

This was also the pose his body took when he orgasmed, minus the height part because that’s just weird. But who was keeping track? 

The anxious boy let a small gasp escape his chapped lips and took a step back nervously. He’d heard stories about the long haired boy not shying away from a brawl and Evan really wasn’t the fighting kind of type.

Connor noticed the fearful step that Evan took and immediately regretted being so harsh. He flopped back down on the ground and leaned against a tree. Honestly, he was so sick and tired of being an arsehole to everybody he met. 

So if his pathetic attempt at taking his own life didn’t work out then there must’ve been a reason. Somewhere, in this great fucked up world of ours, someone has decided that Connor Murphy needs a reason to live and if that reason is a shy, blonde, freckled boy with a stutter then so fucking be it. 

“Sorry.” He sighed, raking a hand through his hair. A shimmer of hope cracking through his depressive facade when Evan took an apprehensive step forward, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m just trying to get away from...” what was he trying to get away from, exactly? His brain? His parents? Himself? “Family problems.”

Evan nodded, “Well if there’s one thing I-I can relate to it’s f-family problems.” He stated with a self deprecating laugh at the end and joined Connor in sitting by his side at the tree.

“Oh yeah?”

Evan furrowed his eyebrows and bit the inside of his cheek. He wasn’t stupid enough to vent to a virtual stranger about the trauma of his Dad up and leaving him at a young age. That’d just make things awkward and Evan hoped to, touch wood, make a friend out of this boy who was so desperately looked to need one.

Connor noticed that the blonde boy clearly didn’t want to talk about it so he changed the subject before he could reply, “What are you doing here anyway?” 

A question he could answer, Evan thought and grinned. “I-I work here, actually. Just for the summer, it’s pretty cool there’s a lot of t-trees.” 

“You like trees?” The Murphy boy bit his lip to hide his smirk. Really, he didn’t think he’d ever met anyone who was fascinated with trees. It was... endearing? 

“Yeah.” Evan shrugged and Connor noticed how his stutter seemed to disappear once he got the boy talking about something he obviously felt very strongly about, “They contribute a lot to the Earth. Kind of like humans but they don’t produce any of the bad things we do, just good and pure life forms with a purpose.” 

“I wonder what that’s like.” Connor mused, learning his head back against the rough bark of the tree and looking up at the clouds.

“Having a purpose?” 

“Well sure. But I meant contributing something to the Earth, something worthwhile.” 

Evan only nodded, not knowing what to say. He knew where Connor was coming from. It was a thought that managed to trigger his anxiety in the most ridiculous hours of the morning. He absolutely loathed the idea of having his life wasted, living a life with nothing to show for it at the end. God, it sounded like a bad John Green novel.

“I- I should probably get back to w-work.” Evan excused, an apologetic look on his face. 

“Yeah ‘course,” Connor said, voice rough from not having used it. How long had they been sitting there just watching the clouds past by? “Hey, er, can I get your number? If you wanna ever talk about trees or... your family.” 

What did he do?! Evan panicked, obviously he wanted Connor to have his number. He was nice, when he wanted to be, seemed to be in the same boat as him thought process wise and, if Evan was being honest, he was pretty cute.

“S-Sure.” He said and put his contact details into Connor’s smashed up phone, saving it as ‘Evan H :)’

“Cheers.” The long haired boy grinned, and stood up with Evan, “I’ll text you. See you around, Hansen.” He nodded to the anxious boy before turning his back and walking away.

“Yeah, see you.” Evan replied quietly, watching Connor go. 

He wondered what it would be like to be friends with Connor Murphy. Everyone at school would be shocked, Connor wasn’t exactly ‘Mr Popular’ but who knows? This could be good for both of them, Evan needed a friend and Connor clearly needed someone to talk to. To hell with what everyone else thought of them, school doesn’t start for another 3 months, there’s no way any amount of damage could be done before then.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know how Tumblr works really but please follow me @makingflowerscreek
> 
> And please review!!!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: For self harm, look out for the ****

ConnorMurphy: Hey it’s Connor.

Evan H :): Oh hi! It’s Evan.

ConnorMurphy: I know.

ConnorMurphy: U gave me the number.

Evan H :): Oh sorry, that was really annoying!

Evan H :): I didn’t mean to do that, well I did but

Evan H:): I’m so sorry????

ConnorMurphy: Whoa calm down ur fine.

Evan H :): Okay, sorry.

ConnorMurphy: Sooooooo

ConnorMurphy: What are u doing?

Evan H :): Watching a documentary.

ConnorMurphy: Kool.

ConnorMurphy: What about?

Evan H :): Cool isn’t spelled with a K???

Evan H :): And this tree in California that’s over 1000 years old.

ConnorMurphy: It is if ur Kool.

ConnorMurphy: Also shit that’s a rly long time.

Evan H :): Long time is a bit of an understatement, Connor.

ConnorMurphy: Almost as old as the librarian at school.

Evan H :): Haha yeah.

ConnorMurphy: Fuck I keep forgetting we go to the same school.

Evan H :): Well...

Evan H :): I don’t put myself in the centre of attention that much, not many people know who I am.

ConnorMurphy: I know u. 

Evan H :): I guess you do.

ConnorMurphy: And btw

ConnorMurphy: I’d rather have people not know me than think of me as a fucking freak.

Evan H :): You’re not a freak.

ConnorMurphy: How do you fucking know!?!

Evan H :): Because you’re really nice!

ConnorMurphy: I’m not Evan.

ConnorMurphy: You don’t know jackshit about me so don’t fucking pretend to, okay?!

Evan H :): I’m not pretending??

Evan H :): Sorry... I didn’t know calling someone nice was a bad thing.

ConnorMurphy: It’s not a fucking bad thing!!! You’re just saying it because it’d be awkward if you agreed. Well guess what Hansen?? I’m a freak. A fucking big too. And you fucking lying about that isn’t gonna help so just take ur shitty half arse attempt at being a good boy Boy Scout and fuck off already!!!!

___________________

Evan didn’t reply after that. 

It was late and Connor could see that Evan had read the message nearly twenty minutes ago now. 

God, what was the fucking matter with him?! 

Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why did that one comment, that was actually kind of a compliment, affect him? 

Why was his brain so fucked up that he had to lash out at one of the only hopes he had of a real, true friend?! 

Why, why, why, why, why?!!!! 

Connor took a deep breath and tried releasing it calmly like he’d been taught to do at all those stupid therapy camps Cynthia signed him up for.

It didn’t work. Obviously. 

His pulse was racing, he could feel his heart beating out of his chest. It was the only way Connor knew he was alive these days, that pounding in his chest he got from an adrenaline rush. 

His hands were shaking too much and he could feel, when he balled his hands up into fists, his chipped, black painted nails digging into his flesh.

He was still angry.

And he didn’t know why.

It had been nearly twenty three minutes now since he’d sent that text to Evan and he was still mad. 

Mad at himself for lashing out at Evan. Mad at Evan for lying to him. Mad at his brain for being this fucking broken! 

****TRIGGER WARNING****

And so, Connor did the only thing he knew how to do when he had spiralled this far. 

He got up from where he was laying on his bed and took a razor that he kept in his drawer in his hand. 

Connor twirled the razor in his palm, just looking at it. He wasn’t in anyway hesitant, the scars littering his arms and thighs proved that he was no stranger to slicing up his own flesh. 

Sighing heavily, Connor scraped the razor into his wrist, pressing down a little harder every time and twisting it to make some kind of sick, beautiful pattern. 

He watched emotionlessly as a crimson waterfall of warm blood trickled down his pale arms and dripped off the edge of his fingertips to a somewhat neat little puddle on the hard, bedroom floor beneath him. 

Once satisfied, or too tired to carry on, he didn’t know which. Connor buried the razor back in his desk drawer and went about the embarrassing task of cleaning himself up.

It was a simple procedure by now, tissue to the cut, try his best to get the blood stain out of the floor and when that didn’t work put dirty laundry over it, and he knew he was supposed to bandage up the new scars but if he did that every time he cut them Connor would never see his arms again. 

Not that that was a bad thing, but oh well. 

So once he was sure that he’d stopped bleeding, he simply rolled down the sleeves of his black hoodie, did the Walk Of Shame back to his bed and fell on his stomach onto the comforting fabric beneath. 

****IT IS SAFE, ALSO I LOVE YOU****

Connor knew he had to make things right with Evan. But really, he was too fucking exhausted, physically and mentally, to do anything about it yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Also please follow my tumblr @makingflowerscreek  
> Where I cry about musicals and how beautiful Mike Faist and George Salazar are.
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	4. Chapter 4

Jared Kleinman was a family friend.

Their mothers got along so that meant that they had to. 

This was the case, until a couple of months ago when the boys realised that the only way they were going to make it through High School was if they had each other’s backs.

And this is why Evan decided to ask Jared for his opinion on Connor. 

Evan had been rather... unnerved by the string of texts that Connor had sent the previous night. His hands were shaking so much that he couldn’t reply after that. 

Jared was round his house, Heidi was working and Evan needed the company, so the two boys were sitting on the sofa in the living room, watching tv but not really paying attention.

“H-Hey Jared,” Evan began, hesitantly. 

“Yeah, man?” Jared replies, tossing a cornel of popcorn up in the air before catching it in his mouth. “Holy crap! Did you see that? That was impressive!” 

“V-Very,” The blonde boy laughed nervously. “So, um, you know I’ve been working at the Orchard?” 

Jared nodded, “Are you about to talk to me about trees?”

“No!” Evan said defensively, “I met this b-boy there, and we got t-talking, um, we exchanged n-numbers-“

“Oh Evan!” He laughed, “You kinky fucker! If you want a low down on the birds and the bees, you’re gonna have to ask your mother, I’m not doing that.” 

“No, Jared! Would you just listen to me?” Evan asked frustratedly, Jared hummed and Evan continued, “R-Right. As I was s-saying, we exchanged numbers and he t-texted me. B-But it got a bit, um, heated I guess?” 

“Whoa what?” Jared said, not smirking anymore, “This guy tried to get in an argument with you?”

“Not really,” Evan explained, “I think it was more of a m-misunderstanding.”

“What’s his name?”

“Just a boy from school, you probably don’t know him.”

“Does he have a name?” 

“Um-“

“Name, Evan.” 

Evan cringed and averted his eyes, fiddling with the threading on the arm rest, “Connor Murphy.” 

Silence. 

Evan looked up at Jared’s facial expression and had it been any other circumstance he would’ve laughed. An eyebrow was raised, his eyes darting back and forth between Evan and Evan’s phone, mouth hanging open and arms frozen from where they were running through his hair. 

“...The freaky dude with the long hair?”

Evan sighed, “Jared-“

“I know, I know.” Jared put his hands up in surrender, “I’m sorry. But...Connor Murphy?”

“Y-Yes?”

“THE Connor Murphy?”

“I think we’ve established it’s Connor Murphy.” 

Jared was silent for a while, then he snapped his attention back to Evan and narrowed his eyes. “And you said you two had an argument?” 

Evan nodded and pulled up his phone to show Jared the messages. 

He watched his friend read the messages, lips mouthing the words and frown getting increasingly deeper. 

“Dude,” He whistled when he was done, “That’s... you need to stay away from him.”

“But do you think I did s-something wrong?” Evan asked, worriedly. 

Jared shook his head, “No way! That was completely uncalled for!”

“What should I do? I haven’t replied to him.” Evan muttered the last part under his breath. 

“Dude. Just give up on this one, he’s a loose canon. I mean, he threw a printer at Mrs G in third grade for Christ sake.”

“He was so nice,” He tried to argue. Because Connor had been! He was nice to him in the real world, when they first met. Why was it different over text? Why did was Connor’s mood shifts so unpredictable? 

“Evan, seriously.” And that got Evan’s attention because he knew it was bad when Jared Kleinman got serious, “This has got all the foundations for a toxic relationship. He is dangerous, he has no regard for how other people feel, you need to stay away before you get hurt.” 

Evan sighed. He knew Jared was right, of course Jared was right. Surprisingly. 

He nodded and told Jared that he was going to cut all ties with Connor Murphy, that seemed to satisfy Jared since he dropped the subject and the boys went back to watching some cooking show. 

___________________________

Evan thought it was over.

He hadn’t spoken to Connor in three days, hadn’t ran into him anywhere. That seemed to be that. 

What he hadn’t anticipated, was Connor showing up at the Orchard, a week after his conversation with Jared, waiting for him.

Connor stood right in front of the gate, blocking Evan’s way. He still wore that same, black hoodie even in the sweltering heat and his long, brown hair was tied up in a loose bun. 

Evan hated to admit that Connor looked good with his hair like that.

He walked up to the taller boy, stopping just in front of him and for a short while the two of them just stared at each other.

“I came to apologise.” Connor explained. 

“Okay.” Evan replied, shortly. He didn’t want to be rude but he didn’t really want to get into it with Connor right now, he was already running late for his afternoon shift.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, eyelids fluttering shut in what Evan presumed was humiliation, “I’m seriously fucked up and that’s not an excuse, but I don’t know what happened and you’re the first person to actually listen to me and I don’t want to stop talking to you.” Connor opened his blue/brown eyes after his confession that he had said all in one breath and stared intently at Evan. 

Evan bit his lip. He was so torn, one on hand he knew Connor suffered from some kind of mental illness, so he should just give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a second chance, right? It was only a silly little text, and they had really only known each other for a day so misunderstands were bound to happen! It wasn’t as if they were dating or anything, Evan had no real reason to be upset with Connor.

On the other hand, he had promised Jared that he’d try to distance himself from Connor. He didn’t want to disappoint his only friend. They were about to go in for their final year of High School, Evan couldn’t afford any drama this year for the sake of his grades. 

But then he made eye contact with Connor. There was something hiding behind those blue/brown irises, an untold story that the blonde boy was itching to read.

Heidi was a strong believer that everything happened for a reason. Evan used to think that was stupid, but over the years he guessed he’d learned to maintain a similar outlook.

And so something, something that was far beyond Evan’s force of control, made him say;

“It’s okay.”

Connor frowned, clearly this was not the reaction he had prepared himself for, “No it’s not, Hansen.”

“Yes it is,” Evan nodded, “S-Stop it, I forgive y-you.”

“But,” Connor shrugged weakly and grimaced, kicking at the ground with his worn out leather boots, “You shouldn’t.” 

“Connor... I need to get to w-work.” He explained, “I f-forgive you what more d-do you want?”

“Let me make it up to you,” The long haired boy replied quickly.

“How?” Evan questioned.

Connor flashed him a crooked smile before deciding, “I’m taking you out for ice cream.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m British, so I hope I got the Third Grade thing right.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	5. Chapter 5

The boys went straight to the ice cream parlour after Evan's shift. Connor said he knew a place called A La Mode and that was how Evan wound up sitting in a slightly sticky booth, watching whilst Connor bought the two ice creams. 

The whole car ride over Evan had insisted that the longer haired boy didn't have to pay for him but Connor wasn't hearing any of it and said that it was his way of saying sorry. 

He still wasn't happy about the arrangement but his anxiety prevented him from arguing back too much.

Connor came over, placing two small tubs of their respective flavours on the table and taking a seat opposite Evan. 

It was a small booth and Evan could feel Connor's long legs pressing against his own as they were squished under the table. 

The lights were harsh and bright neon greens and pinks that made the anxious boys eyes strain, there was pictures of milkshakes on the walls that were stained with... actual milkshakes. 

It smelt like doughnuts and oily french fries and there was little children running around the tables and screaming at the top of their lungs. 

It was loud, bright and smelled odd but somehow Evan didn't really mind.

"I really am sorry, you know." Connor repeats after a bout of silence, licking the ice cream off one of those plastic spoons that break at the slightest bit of pressure. 

"I know." Evan nodded, "I forgave you, you didn't h-have to do t-this." He gestured to the parlour around them both. 

"But I did." He smirked.

"Of c-course you did." Evan replied, smiling slightly. 

Connor looked down and nodded to the khaki clad boys ice cream, "Vanilla, eh? Why am I not surprised?"

"Hey!" He exclaimed, defensively, "I like vanilla!" 

"Don't go 'round saying that too loudly, Hansen, there are children around." 

"O-Oh... Oh my God, C-Connor." 

Connor laughed, it was a deep and genuine sound. It was one of those things that could make someone feel all warm inside. That someone happened to be Evan Hansen. 

"Your f-flavour isn't g-grown up either!" Evan blamed, finally noticing the other boys strawberry ice cream. 

"'Grown up'?" Connor quoted, eyebrow raised. 

Connor Murphy was one of those people who could raise their eyebrows, Evan noted mentally. 

"S-Shut up." He blushed. 

"And," Connor began, idly taking another lick of ice cream and stretching out on the seat opposite Evan, "It's exhausting being the 'bad boy' all the time, sometimes it's nice to have a kiddy flavour." 

"Sometimes it's nice to be v-vanilla." Evan joked, smiling when Connor laughed. 

"Wow." He deadpanned.

Evan looked down and frowned, swirling the ice cream around the bowl with his plastic spoon, did Connor really think of himself as 'bad'?

"Y-You're not... you're not a b-bad person, Connor." Evan said shyly, stutter prominent.

"Did I say I was?" Connor asked, eyebrow raised once again. 

"Y-You said 'bad boy'." He pointed out.

"There's a difference." The long haired boy replied, shortly, all traces of laughter gone.

"Still." Evan insisted, "You're n-not a bad person, Connor."

"Would you stop saying that?!" 

"Only when you s-start to believe i-it." 

Connor hummed, "I'm gonna be hearing that 'till I'm dead then." He joked, flashing the other boy a crooked smile. 

"D-Don't joke about t-that." Evan said, firmly. Well, as firm as someone could be with a stutter. 

"About what?" 

"Dying."

"Why?" Connor asked, shrugging one shoulder, "Death seems like one big joke to me."

Evan shook his head, "Not... N-Not to me. Please d-don't say things l-like that."

"Or what?" 

Evan sighed. Connor didn't care, that was the whole point of Connor Murphy. He just didn't care. He didn't care that he was upsetting the people around him, he didn't care that he was making Evan uncomfortable. 

Evan looked at his face, Connor was looking down at the table but it was clear to him that the Murphy boy didn't hold an ounce of guilt behind his eyes. 

Guilt for what? A voice inside his own head piped up. Why should he care about you, you've only known each other a week. 

"This was a mistake." Evan said quietly, moving to stand up, "I-I shouldn't h-have come-"

He was about to walk away but then he felt someone grab his arm. When Evan looked up he saw Connor standing directly behind him, the sleeve of his blue polo shirt still encased in Connor's left hand. The taller boy looked... worried. And remorseful. 

"Don't," He said breathlessly, realising the hold he had on Evan, "Shit, I'm so bad at this. I just upset you again, didn't I?" 

"N-No, I just-"

Then all of a sudden, Evan felt something warm against his lips. His eyes widened and he made direct eye contact with Connor. 

Connor had his eyes open, that was weird when you're kissing someone, Evan thought. 

Wait.

Was Connor kissing him? He was. 

The two boys left their eyes open, Evan could clearly see the part where Connor's eye faded from brown to blue. It was beautiful. Connor was beautiful.

The kiss was short and awkward and Connor's lips were chapped and Evan's were wet from where he had been licking them and both the boys tasted like ice cream and there was probably the whole parlour watching them at this point. 

And when they pulled away, Evan craved to pull the taller boy back and smash their lips together once more.

“W-What was that for?” Evan asked, panting slightly and cheeks flushed.

Connor bit his lip and scratched the back of his neck, “I figured... fuck up once go out for ice cream, fuck up twice kiss them so hard they’ll forget how badly I’ve fucked up.”

Evan pursed his lips together and furrowed his brows, “I-I don’t think that’s h-how it works.”

Connor looked up from where he was starring at his black, leather boots, “Can we do it again anyway, to find out?”

“S-Sure.”

This time, they both closed their eyes. It was the same feeling, just more intensified. The pressure against Evan’s lips was nice, Connor’s lips were soft yet chapped at the same time. 

How is that even possible? 

Evan didn’t know but all he knew was that he wanted to do this for a very long time. 

Connor eventually took a step back to breathe. 

“Have you forgotten yet?” He asked, that same crooked smile set in place, chest rising and falling with every breath, eyes glazed and lips slightly swollen. 

Evan’s jaw actually dropped, “Y-You... I can’t b-believe-“

“Have you forgotten yet?”

“M-Maybe we should do it o-one more t-time?”

“Or we could just start dating and do this all the time.” 

“What?!” Evan said loudly, he raised his brows and searched Connor’s face for any evidence that this was a practical joke. 

He couldn’t find anything, that cocky bastard. 

“C’mon,” the Murphy boy said, tilting his head slightly and holding Evan’s hand in his own like one would do as a marriage proposal, “Take pity on a dying man.” 

“Are you a-actually dying?” Evan stuttered, sarcastically.

“Aren’t we all?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slow Burn, who? 
> 
> Please review! 
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	6. Chapter 6

TRIGGER WARNING LOOK FOR THE ***

Connor arrived back at home rather late. He and Evan had spent hours talking about everything and nothing, he inwardly grinned to himself as he turned his beat up, scratched key into the front door. 

That grin quickly turned into a groan when he opened the door, he was met by the sight of Larry leaning against the staircase with his arms crossed and a threatening glare across his face. Seriously, he had a forehead vein popping and everything. 

"Well, well, well," Zoe said, mock shocked as she walked down the stairs, "Look who's home. Finally." 

Connor rolled his eyes. 

"Where have you been?" Larry demanded, gruffly. His stance didn't falter in the slightest, Connor would have been more intimidated if he actually gave a shit. 

"Out." He replied, shortly. 

"Getting high." His sister corrected with a snort.

"I was not!" Connor yelled, slamming his fist against the wall, "You fucking bitc-" 

"Hey!" Larry bellowed, furrowing his eyebrows and taking a step closer to his son so that he could point a stern finger in the boy's face, "Don't talk to your sister like that. Now, where were you?"

"Why the fuck should I tell you?" Connor snarled.

"Because I'm your father and-"

"How's that fucking going for you?!"

Larry sighed and wiped a hand across his forehead, "I don't know where we went wrong with you, Connor, I really don't." 

Out of the corner of his eye, Connor saw Zoe wipe at her eyes and a choked sob escaped her mouth before she turned and ran back up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door as she went. 

"Whatever." He huffed, pushing past the older man to get upstairs to his room. 

He heard Larry yell something but he really didn't care. His ears were ringing and, since his bedroom was the last one down the hall, when he walked past Zoe's room he heard the unmistakable sound of his sister trying to muffle her cries into a pillow. Connor tried to feel bad for her, he really did, he searched deep inside of him to dig up a single shred of empathy... but, who was he kidding? 

She deserved it anyway, he thought with a scowl firmly planted on his face, just because she's crying everyone will come running? Because she's Zoe and could do no wrong in their parents eyes? 

Yeah, right. 

Connor was too tired to storm into his room, he slowly made his way there and pathetically tried to slam the door despite the sluggish feeling he had in his arms. Sighing heavily and flopping on his bed, Connor refused to start crying. 

He wouldn't cry. What does that fix? Nothing, it just makes you uncomfortable and tired. It was pathetic.

He was pathetic. 

He could've told Larry where he was, he didn't know why he didn't. It's not as if he'd get in trouble for getting ice cream.

But getting ice cream with Evan? Revealing that little detail might have had a different outcome. 

Evan. 

Connor sat up and leaned against his bedpost, as he thought about the blonde. He had kissed him. They were... dating? Why the anxiety ridden boy had agreed to that, Connor would never know.

He's just being nice, a voice snarked in Connor's head, he didn't want to reject you in public because he knew you'd get angry. You always get angry.

The long haired boy whimpered pitifully, turning over and pulling a pillow over his head in a vain attempt to shut out the voices. 

***TRIGGER WARNING*** 

You should just off yourself, the voice said, nobody would miss you, nobody would care. They'd probably be relieved. 

"Shut up, shut up." Connor repeated over and over again, voice muffled and thick with emotion. 

Look at you, it didn't work the first time, did it? Because you were too weak. Because you were a coward, you didn't try hard enough. 

Try again. 

"Fuck off." He whispered, gripping the sheets of his bed with shaking fingers trying to ground himself.

***OKAY ITS SAFE NOW***

Suddenly, a loud knock rasped at his door. 

"Connor?" The voice of Zoe said, timidly. It was only a faint whisper but in Connor's too quiet room, the sound seemed to echo and ricochet off the dark blue walls. 

"Go away." He mumbled, part of himself knowing that she couldn't hear him. 

"Can you let me in?" She asked, voice a tad stronger, "Please?" She added, brokenly. 

"Go away!" He screamed, launching the closet thing he could reach, his alarm clock, against the door. 

Hearing her jump in fright and run back to her room, Connor slammed a fist into his headboard, not even bothering to look at his now shattered alarm clock that lay at the foot of his door. He sobbed in frustration for what felt like hours until he couldn't physically go on anymore. 

He laid in bed, looking up at the ceiling, unmoving. He wasn't thinking about anything, but at the same time he was. It was almost as if his mind couldn't tell that he was thinking, because he was so numb that he'd forgotten what most things felt like. 

The house was quiet now. He had no way of telling the time, his only clock was in pieces and his phone was out of battery.

*** TRIGGER WARNING, AGAIN, I'm so sorry***

Do it now, the voice was back. Go to the bathroom, take the pills, nobody will know, it'll feel like sleeping, it'll be over before they wake up, it'll be painless. Go. What are you waiting for? 

Go.

So he did. 

Leaping out of bed with a newfound bout of energy, Connor walked down the hall, careful not to step on any of the floorboards that he knew creaked, and headed downstairs.

Somebody had moved the painkillers to the medicine cabinet in the downstairs bathroom because Connor had gotten them out of the cabinet in the upstairs bathroom the first time he'd tried to commit suicide.

They didn't think he'd notice a change like that. Little did they know, he looked at them everyday either as a reminder or as a threat and when they went missing he searched everywhere until he found them again.

It was a weird thing to feel like he had control over but it was something, and to Conor that was enough.

This is it, he kept thinking.   
This is it. This is it. This is it.

It'll all be over, no more arguments, no more feeling like a failure and a disappointment, no more upsetting Zoe, no more tears or pounding at the door or walls with his constantly red raw fists, just no more... Connor Murphy.

It was an odd sensation, it felt like such a heavy thing to do but the long haired boy had never felt lighter in his whole life. 

This was it. He wouldn't fail this time, he'll make sure of it.

*** OKAY ITS SAFE NOW***

To get to the bathroom, Connor had to walk past the kitchen. This would've been easier if he hadn't noticed the light on. 

He cringed and hoped that everyone was still asleep, that Cynthia had just forgotten to turn off the light, seeing as she did that sometimes. 

He poked his head round the door frame and sighed in defeat when he saw Cynthia in her dressing gown and leaning against the counter, starring at the floor and blowing the steam off a cup of tea Connor presumed she'd just made. 

Why, fucking, him?! Every single fucking time! He just wanted to be left alone! He had one fucking thing to do and he couldn't even do that right. 

Cynthia must have heard him sigh as she snapped out of her daze and looked up, "Connor?" She asked, "What are you doing up?"

Looking at the clock on the oven, Connor tentatively took a step further into the kitchen and noticed that the time was 1:27AM.

He shrugged and tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear, "Needed the bathroom." He lied. He'd always been good at lying under pressure, honestly at times Connor wished he didn't have this skill. He wished that his mum could see through his lie and somehow manage to save him. 

She nodded, wiping down the counter with a tea towel, "Why didn't you go upstairs?"

"Zoe was in there."

She nodded again, stopping her cleaning and delicately folding the fabric, she seemed to be thinking very carefully about her next sentence, "Connor, sweetheart." 

Here we go, Connor thought grimly. 

Cynthia took in a deep breath, "I- we love you, you know that? And, we want what's best for you. That means that... we want- need you to be safe. Do you understand?"

He didn't say anything, he didn't even look at her but he knew from the tone of her voice that she was battling against tears. 

"I think you should go back to therapy." She stated, abruptly. 

Connor snapped his head up to stare at his mother in disbelief, "What?" He said with a slight sneer. 

"It's what we think is best for you." Cynthia insisted.

He gave a humourless chuckle, "No it's what's best for you isn't it? You don't want your friends thinking you've got a fucked up kid so you're trying to fix him." He narrowed his eyes, "Well I am fucked up, okay?! And no amounts of goddamn therapy is going to fix that!" 

"You didn't give it a fair shot last time, Connor." She explained, desperately, the tears were now flowing freely down her face and it caused Connor's stomach to twist.

"It didn't work." He seethed through gritted teeth. "He just prescribed me some fucking pills and-" he paused. 

He'd emptied that bottle of pills months ago, they were just mood stabilisers and they didn't do shit but it was almost like a placebo. Taking them, even knowing they didn't work, made Connor feel better. 

The mention of them though, reminded Connor of the bottle of pills in the bathroom that were tantalising him, calling him to just take them and say goodnight.

He felt his breath catch in his throat as he starred down the bathroom door, with a final look at Cynthia, Connor turned and raced back up to his room, slamming the door closed behind him. 

"You're going and that's the last of it!" Cynthia yelled up to him. He didn't answer. 

He panted heavily and leaned against the door of his room, he seemed unable to catch his breath. 

He couldn't breathe, it was just too much. Why couldn't they leave him alone? 

Connor put his head in his knees, the energy he had just minutes earlier quickly disappearing and with one last shuddering breath, he fell asleep from utter exhaustion and far too much on his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it!! 
> 
> Wattpad: Drac-Hoe-No.
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	7. Chapter 7

Evan and Connor were sprawled out on Evan's sofa, Connor's long legs hanging off the edge of the armrest and Evan huddled up on his chest. Since Heidi was at work, the boys didn't have to worry about her coming home and finding them in an awkward position.

"I-Is something on y-your mind?" Evan asked, stuttering nervously.

"No," Connor frowned, running his fingers through his boyfriends blonde locks, "What makes you think that?"

"You keep sighing."

"A content sigh."

"Connor." Evan prodded, sternly. He sat up and turned around to face the long haired boy.

The Murphy boy pouted at the loss of warmth on his chest, he took in the blonde's worried gaze and sat up himself, "Fine, there is something." 

He didn't say anything, holding his stare with Connor he nodded slightly for his boyfriend to continue.

"Cynthia and Larry want me to go back to therapy." 

Evan nodded and cleared his throat, "Do they- Do you- Are you-"

"I need it." Connor sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly, "But I don't want it."

"W-Why?"

Connor smiled sadly. Evan didn't understand, he couldn't understand. Nobody could. It was as if... Connor had all of the words in the world at his disposal to describe the way he was feeling, and he just couldn't use them. It was like flying but someone was grabbing your leg, it was like breathing under water, it was like someone was holding a gag against your mouth even though you were screaming. 

It was Connor. 

"You wouldn't understand," He said, shaking his head. "Therapy is... just not something that works for me."

Evan shrugged, "I-I don't know," he said nonchalantly, picking at a loose thread from the sofa, "Going to therapy isn't the w-worst thing in the world. It might... actually help y-you."

Connor frowned,"What does that mean?" He asked, roughly. 

The blonde's head snapped up, startled. His eyes were wide, he looked scared and Connor willed more than anything to push down the monster inside him that he knew was just beginning to heat up. He wanted to tell it to fuck off and to hold Evan safely in his arms. He wanted to protect Evan from himself. 

But he wasn't strong enough. 

"You're saying I need help?" He snapped, gripping the armrest so hard his knuckles were turning white, "That I need to be fixed?"

"Connor, no, I'm not-"

He laughed, shaking his head at himself. At his own foolishness. Of course, Evan would think he needed to be fixed. They all did. They were all the same. Couldn't they see that he was fine? That he didn't need all these doctors and pills and wellness camps and therapists. 

"God," he grinned, rolling his eyes, "I knew this was a bad idea. People like you and me don't mix."

Evan, who had been looking down and choking back tears, looked up. He opened his mouth slightly in a stolen gasp that hadn't had the strength to make a sound, eyes wounded and expression hurt.

Connor immediately started hating himself more than he already did.

"Wait," Evan whispered, furrowing his eyebrows, "What?"

Connor bit his lip and shook his head, "No- I... I didn't mean that."

"You clearly did." He replied, stutter disappearing with the anger and hurt, "Why did you ask me out if you thought it was a bad idea? That I'm a bad idea?" He added, quieter than the rest of his words, he wrapped his arms round his small frame in an attempt to hide himself. From what? He didn't know.

"Ev," Connor said, desperately, tears welling up in his blue/brown eyes, "Please-"

"'People like you,'" Evan quoted from Connor's own words. The way he spat them with such sharp loathing made the long haired boy's heart squeeze. 

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" 

Evan stopped his self destructing trail of thought and looked to his boyfriend, who was breathing heavily, eyes wide and brows drawn in an upset manner. 

Perhaps he didn't mean it, perhaps he couldn't control the shit he was saying. Evan knew it wasn't his Connor when Connor got like this. But that didn't mean it didn't fucking hurt. 

"Then why did you say it?" Evan asked in a whisper. Tears thick and blurry, obscuring his vision cascaded down his pale face and he could taste the salt in them when they fell down to his lips, he didn't even bother wiping his eyes though. There was no point when there was so many more to come. 

"Because I-" Connor cut himself off and put his head in his hands, breathing deeply, "I don't know. I just need a minute."

Evan looked at him, he looked so defeated and tired. He wished more than anything that he could protect his boyfriend. That they could protect each other. But it's hard to fight with demon when you're left with no weapons. 

Connor wasn't crying. He was about to, sure, but he wasn't. He had his eyes screwed shut and mouth struggling to take a deep enough breath that would ground himself enough. He was a mess, he... Evan didn't deserve someone like him. Evan deserved better. 

Everyone did. 

"Are you o-okay?" Evan asked, timidly.

He lifted his head, biting his lip painfully hard when he saw the tear tracks on the blonde's face, "I'm so fucking sorry."

"I know you are," Evan replied, quietly and slowly moving closer to the Murphy boy, "It's okay."

"I really didn't mean it." Connor choked, holding the anxious boy close to his chest, to his heart, "You deserve better. I can be better, I'll change, I promise."

"It's okay." Evan repeated, "You don't have to change for me, I like you how you are."

"I really like you, Hansen."

"I know. I like you too."

"So... we're good?" The long haired boy asked, holding his breath as if he were afraid of the answer.

"We were never anything other than that." Evan smiled, leaning in for a kiss. 

Connor kissed back, it felt just as good as the first time. Just as right. This... This is why he wanted to change, to get better. For Evan Hansen.

"If you... really think it will make a difference." He began after the kiss, playing with that soft, blonde hair, "I'll try going to therapy again. For you."

"I don't w-want you to do it for m-me."

"I know, but I'm going to anyway."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think of Connor and Evan’s relationship so far??? 
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	8. Chapter 8

Doctor Heere was a qualified, professional, and genuinely nice guy that Cynthia had hired to fix her son.

'Fix her son' Connor thought with a shake of his head as he slumped into an uncomfortable wooden chair in the empty waiting room of the therapist's office.

Honestly, he didn't know why he was here. He wasn't going for himself, he didn't care about himself that much, and he most certainly wasn't going to please Cynthia. Or Larry. 

It was Evan. A small, timid part of him that was buried under piles of darkness, wanted to get better. For Evan, so they could be happy. Together. That part was almost compared to a beam of light bursting through a thick, black sky. 

It was like a firefly. 

And so, he'd showed up at Doctor Here's office, somewhat late, clothes he'd slept in the night before disheveled and if he wasn't so goddamned numb he'd probably be embarrassed about the state he was in. However, he found himself too exhausted to care. 

The waiting room was small, white walls, had a cork board with posters pinned, a pile of magazines that were dated a couple of years ago Connor noticed in a stack on a coffee table, wooden chairs paired with an unforgiving shade of green cushion that was really digging into his arse. 

It was a standard waiting room, nothing to peak any passerby's interest, nothing really to look at, to fear. But something about it made Connor's skin itch and he was relieved when a figure appeared in the doorway of a joining room, probably his office.

Doctor Heere looked to be about a little younger than Larry. He was a large man with a bald head, checkered shirt, rosy cheeks and a kind face. 

Connor felt like he was forced under a microscope and that this doctor was a scientist prepared to exam him. 

"So," he began, taking a seat and Connor sitting down opposite him. "What's your name?"

Connor frowned, "You've got it written down right there." He gestured to a stack of papers in Doctor Here's lap.

"I'd rather get to know you through yourself rather than a piece of paper." He explained. 

Connor nodded, that seemed fair enough. It was an odd subject, someone wanting to get to know him. He'd never known any adult who'd voluntarily spoken to him, besides a teacher, it was unfamiliar and... nice? 

He's just saying that because he's getting paid, a voice in the back of his mind spoke, suddenly he remembered to keep his guard up and all traces of assuming this guy was 'nice' had disappeared as quickly as they had come.

"It's Connor. Murphy." He added shortly when Doctor Heere asked him to carry on. 

"Well, Connor, is Connor okay with you?" Doctor Heere paused to ask, he shrugged and the older adult carried on, "My name's Paul which I prefer to 'Doctor' because my son has said that professional terms are stuffy and I happen to agree with him."

Connor exhaled through his nose, he couldn't bring himself to smile. 

"How old are you, Connor?" 

"Seventeen."

Paul hummed, "Still in school?"

"Yeah," he shrugged, "But it's... summer." He finished lamely. 

"Got any siblings?"

"Sister."

"And what's her name?"

"Zoe."

"Do the two of you get along?"

Connor shrugged. 

"Any pets?"

"No."

"What are your friends like?" 

That made Connor pause. He didn't have any, really. He had Evan, but Evan wasn't a friend. He just... didn't want to drag anybody else down with all his crap and soon people took that as an insult, then they mistook him being on his own for basically being an arse. It was all true, he didn't act like he didn't know what people said about him at school. He just wished he did. 

"I don't have any." He replied, shifting in his seat. 

Paul stopped taking notes and faced Connor, he felt like he was being scrutinised for a solid two minutes before the older man asked, "By choice?" 

No.

"Yes." Connor answered through gritted teeth. He'd just met this guy and he was already pissing him off! Who was he to ask about his personal life? To make assumptions about him? He didn't know him! Nobody did, and that was the problem. But there wasn't even a problem! Why couldn't people see that? Why couldn't they understand? It was frustrating and exhausting and it left Connor irrational and... sad. 

It made him sad. But... when you've been feeling something for such a long time it becomes a part of you. And when people can't understand that part of you they start sending you to therapists and pumping you full of chemicals to get rid of it. 

And that's where he was and why he was here.

"Connor I'm going to ask you some personal questions and I want you to know that you shouldn't feel pressured to answer any of them, just tell me to shut up and I will." Paul was saying, Connor nodded for him to go on.

"Do you feel like you're depressed?"

Connor nodded.

"Do you think, perhaps, that that's not all you've got going on in your head? That there are other mental disorders as well as depression?"

Disorders, Connor hated that word with every fibre of his fucking being. But he nodded anyway. 

"Do you feel lonely? And even if you were surrounded by hundreds of people you'd still feel this way?" 

He nodded, slowly. 

"Have you ever wanted to physically harm yourself?"

Connor felt a sudden rush of shame build up inside of him and he nodded.

Paul raised an eyebrow, "Have you ever physically harmed yourself?"

"Yes." He mumbled, voice thick and the air in the room was heavy with tension. 

"What do you use?"

Connor shrugged, "Razor."

"Just a razor?"

"Sometimes..." he sighed, cutting himself off and focusing on the wall in front of him, "Sometimes a pocket knife."

"Do you do this often?"

He shrugged.

"Have you ever wanted to commit suicide?"

Suddenly something wet slid down his cheek and Connor realised in horror that he was crying. Why?! Why was he crying?! All those times locked in the bathroom hacking away at his skin and he hadn't felt anything but now he was talking about it in front of a stranger his tear ducts had decided to act up and it pissed him off to no end. He hastily wiped them with the sleeve of his black hoodie and sniffed harshly.

Paul handed him a tissue and Connor mumbled a "thanks" but it was barley audible to his own ears let alone someone who was sitting four feet away from him. 

"I've got one more question for you, Connor." Paul said and Connor raised his eyebrows.

"Have you ever attempted committing suicide?"

He stopped answering after that.

________________

"Seriously?!" Jared yelled, incredulously. "You're not even fucking with me right now, are you?!"

"Jared!" Evan exclaimed, crossing his arms self consciously over himself, "Please don't-" he sighed, "J-Just d-don't." 

"No, Evan." He said, voice firm, "What did I say about you and Connor Murphy? And you got into another argument, are you serious?"

"It wasn't an argument!" Evan defended. Why he spoke to Jared Kleinman about his relationship he didn't know. Well, he did. Jared was his only friend and he wanted to talk about his boyfriend. But Jared didn't like Connor so most of what he said was biased. 

"That's what you said last time!" He insisted, hands strangling the air in frustration.

"But this time i-it really wasn't," the blonde stuttered, "W-We made up like m-minutes after and-"

"Ev, for you to 'make up' there has to have been an argument." Jared explained.

"I-" Evan sighed and began picking at the hem of his shirt, there was no use fighting with Jared. He had made up his mind about Connor ages ago and Evan couldn't change that.

"Does your mum even know?" He asked.

"She... doesn't k-know I'm in a r-relationship." 

"Toxic relationship." Jared muttered under his breath and Evan snapped his head up, suddenly angry.

"It is not a t-toxic relationship!" He yelled, "We l-like each other, its not our f-fault we keep having-"

"Fights?"

"Obstacles."

"I don't like you hanging around with someone who makes you cry."

"I'm n-not crying."

"You do when you're around him and arguing, you told me that." Jared said, delicately, leaning against the kitchen counter as he watched Evan make sandwiches for lunch. 

Evan sighed as he opened and closed cabinet doors, "I care about him."

"And he cares about you."

The blonde nodded.

"What happens if I meet him and give him the whole best friend speech?" Jared asked, putting a grape into his mouth and grinning.

Evan paused and thought it over. It wasn't the worst idea, Jared would see that Connor is a good guy and not hurting him, perhaps they'd even be friends. 

"Fine." He decided, "I'll t-text him later."

The brunette smirked, "Should I bring any props? Like a big arse knife as a warning?"

"Jared!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's that? A Be More Chill reference, I spy????? 
> 
> Why yes, yes it is. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, please let me know what you thought! 
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	9. Chapter 9

If Connor was being honest, he wasn't jumping for joy over meeting Jared Kleinman. Sure they'd seen each other round school, thrown a couple of insults at each other here and there but they had never properly met.

Connor knew that Kleinman and Evan were friends, he'd seen them enough around school to know that much. Although he'd never quite grasped how close they were until Evan had texted Connor asking him to meet Kleinman so that he could give Connor the whole "best friend speech".

The long haired boy had agreed, albeit reluctantly, because he wanted Evan to be comfortable in their relationship and that included doing whatever made the blonde happy. 

Apparently sucking up to Jared Kleinman made Evan happy. 

And that's how he ended up round Evan's house, sitting patiently in the living room whilst Evan was outside talking to Jared, probably prepping him. Or warning him that Connor was a ticking time bomb but whatever. 

Sooner than Connor would've liked, the front door swung open and Jared Kleinman came strutting in, chest puffed out and all, with Evan trailing shyly behind. 

"C-Connor," Evan started, sitting down next to his boyfriend, "T-This is Jared, Jared this i-is Connor."

"Hey," The long haired boy said in a monotonous tone, with a slight inclination of his head. 

Jared perched himself on the coffee table in the Hansen living room, a good distance away from the couple but still directly opposite them so that he was, well... intimidating.

"Murphy." He recognised.

"Jared-" Evan sighed.

"It's the formal greeting, Ev I don't make the rules."

Connor pursed his lips. It hadn't even been five minutes and he already knew he didn't like Kleinman. He was arrogant, rude and called Evan 'Ev' which, frankly, was just ridiculous! Evan is a two syllable name it didn't need shortened, how hard is it to say the two more letters? Also the blonde was his boyfriend so if anybody had the right to call Evan 'Ev' it would be him. But he wasn't going to do it, no, because it was stupid. 

"It's okay, Hansen." Connor soothed, wrapping his arm round Evan's waist, "I know you don't like me, Kleinman." He aimed at Jared. 

"Give me a fucking reason to like you and maybe I will." Jared replied, equally as cold.

Connor frowned, "What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means that I think you're a toxic arsehole who is just stringing Evan along for some sick game of yours!" He exclaimed, voice rising rapidly with each word. And boy, if that wasn't a massive punch in the gut to Connor. It was like this guy knew every single one of his insecurities and cast them all together to paint some pretty fucking little picture. 

He suddenly stood up, too suddenly if that made sense. His brain had made the decision for him before his heart had the chance to think it through and so he towered over Jared, his brown/blue eyes were blazing dangerously and he knew for certain that if Kleinman didn't shut the fuck up right now then neither one of them were going to come out of this with Evan on their side.

Evan.

He snapped his gaze in his boyfriend's direction, who had given a faint "Connor!" In surprise when the boy in question stood up. The anxious boy was looking at him, those blue eyes glistening with unpermitted tears and something resembling fear that made Connor want to scream out in anguish.

Connor sighed, he sunk back down in his seat and ran a hand through his tangled hair. Why? Why did he always have to ruin everything? He'd made a terrible impression on Kleinman and worse than that, he'd upset Evan. 

Maybe Kleinman was right, he didn't deserve Evan. He'd always known this, in a sick, twisted kind of way. He knew that it would only ever be a matter of time before Evan realised it too. That Connor wasn't going to make it, wasn't going to last, because let's face it, he wasn't exactly the proper starter boyfriend. Hell, he wasn't even sure he would a good second. Or third. Or any, for that matter.

He was toxic. And he was an arsehole. And everybody was right, in the most disgusting way possible. It wasn't even as if they'd somehow sabotaged him, Connor sabotaged himself time and time again. 

He was broken. He knew this. He'd known this for a long time, for as long as he could remember. In fact, he couldn't remember a time where he didn't feel this way!

Worthless, embarrassed, pitied, a burden that nobody wants hanging around, all of these things he felt but yet he didn't feel anything at the same time. How did that even happen? How could one person have these emotions and feel every one of them but nothing all at once? 

"You want me to give you a reason to like me," he started slowly to Jared, grasping Evan's hand in his own, "But I get the impression that I could give you hundreds and it still wouldn't be enough."

Jared shrugged, "You've hurt my friend." He explained, simply. 

"I never meant to."

"That doesn't mean anything, you know it doesn't." He shrugged again, "I didn't mean for this to happen, Ev" he sighed, standing up, "But I can't do it. Not yet. See you tomorrow?" 

Evan nodded, not even bothering to look up until Jared was out of the house and the door was closed behind him. 

"I'm-" Connor began when he knew that they were alone.

"Sorry." Evan finished for him, playing with a loose thread on the sofa, "I k-know." 

Connor bit his lip, he took Evan's face in his hands so that he had the blonde's complete and undivided attention, "I really, really like you, Hansen. This isn't some sick game to me, you know that, right?" 

Evan sucked in a deep breath, "Promise?"

"I fucking swear to you." 

Finally, the anxious boy cracked a smile and somehow that made all of Connor's doubts rush away. For now. He knew they'd come back but that was a problem to deal with later. 

"I-I really, really l-like you too." Evan replied, laughing. "That w-went so badly."

"First impressions are overrated." Connor shrugged. 

Evan laughed again and Connor knew in that moment that he was going to do whatever it took to keep Evan Hansen laughing like that.

Even if it did mean sucking up to Jared Kleinman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This actually got a bit more angst-y than I intended. 
> 
> What do you think of Jared and Connor's meet??? 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	10. Chapter 10

Dating Connor Murphy was kind of like riding a rollercoaster. Climbing slowly at first, a bit rickety until you reach the top where you stay perfectly still for just a moment, then it's loads of ups and downs and spins, teetering dangerously towards the edge of the rails before once again regaining balance. 

In this moment, Evan believed they were staying perfectly at the top, equally balanced. 

Connor had come to visit Evan at the Orchard on the blondes lunch break, they were currently sitting under a shady tree with an unappealing display of 'lunch' laying before them that Connor had stolen from home. 

"This is nice," Evan hummed, resting his head on the other boy's shoulder.

He felt Connor nod, "Sorry about the food, I just grabbed what I could find before someone asked me where I was going." 

He knew that 'someone' was Larry or Zoe, Cynthia would probably be delighted that Connor had a boyfriend but the same couldn't be said for the other members of his broken family. Larry would be, well... Larry, and Zoe? There's no telling how Zoe would react, everything with his sister depended on what he had said or did to her and whether or not she was still pissed at him for it.

Figuring that out on a daily basis was fucking exhausting, to say the least.

"S-So I was thinking l-last night-" Evan began, finding Connor's hand on the dry, yellow-y grass and holding it in his own.

"You're always thinking, Hansen, that brain of yours works a million miles a second." Connor smirked.

He let out a nervous, breathy laugh before continuing, "I-I'm serious. I was w-wondering how you'd f-feel about the idea of c-coming out to o-our parents?"

Connor stiffened, "I don't-"

"It d-doesn't have to be both! J-Just... our mums?" 

The long haired boy paused. He was pretty sure Cynthia already knew he was gay, he'd not exactly hidden it, but there's a difference between telling your parents your into guys and telling your parents you're in a pretty serious relationship with a guy. It was the last thing in the world that he wanted to do, although at the same time if Evan wanted to tell Heidi about his new relationship, wouldn't it be a real dick move to stop him? 

The idea seemed so conflicting that the thought of it made Connor's head hurt. 

He could feel his frustration building as he thought about how fucking unfair it was and he was honestly slightly pissed at Evan for bringing it up when they were having such a good time enjoying each other's company.

But then he saw Evan's face. Evan, who looked so lost and so hopeful, the breeze was causing strands of his adorable sandy blonde hair to blow against his face, blue eyes round and squinting slightly in the sun but it was the way in which he was starring at Connor with such intensity that it caused the taller boy to agree.

"Just our mums, huh?" 

Evan nodded.

He sighed heavily and he finally nodded slowly. "Okay, I can do that."

The anxious boy grinned widely, "Really?" 

Connor chuckled and pulled Evan between his legs, so that Evan's back was against his chest and Connor was leaning against the tree, "Of course, Hansen. Anything for you." He added with a kiss to his boyfriend's temple.

Evan laughed, "Hey C-Connor?" 

He hummed in response.

"I think w-we're going to be o-okay."  
____________________

Telling Heidi was both the most easiest and the most difficult thing at the same time. 

For example, Evan knew that his mum would support him blindly but he really didn't want to disappoint her, she'd always talked about grandchildren and how was Evan going to even have a child if he was gay? 

It was night, Heidi had just gotten through the door after a long shift at the hospital when Evan cornered her in the hallway and said, "Hey m-mum, can I t-talk to y-you?"

She looked startled and rolled up the sleeves of her scrubs, leading her son into the living room and inviting him to sit next to her on the sofa, "Of course, honey. What's on your mind?" 

"W-Well," Evan began, picking a loose thread in his seat and trying to ignore how his nerves made his stutter more prominent. "You k-know how I-I've been working at the O-Orchard?"

She nodded, "Oh honey, aren't you enjoying it? I thought it was perfect for you-"

"No, no!" He exclaimed, "T-That's... that's n-not it."

"Oh sorry, go on." 

"I met s-someone there." He said shortly, willing to get it over with. 

Heidi gasped and clasped her hands together, "Evan that's wonderful! What's her name?"

Evan cringed and picked at his lips for a few seconds before answering, "T-They're actually m-more of a h-he than a she."

He observed her expression carefully, searching for any sign of disappointment or resentment, he couldn't see anything but then again Evan was never really good at reading people. 

She paused and Evan noticed her eyes had wandered over to look at a picture frame on the mantelpiece, it was of Evan and Heidi when he was no older than eight years old, they were on holiday and at the beach. It was the first holiday they'd taken after Evan's dad had left them, they both looked - not exactly happy - but on the road to recovery. Evan suddenly felt a wave of guilt wash over him for all he put her through with his anxiety and how hard she worked, and it was all just for him.

He snapped his attention back to Heidi when she breathed in a deep breath and smiled widely, "What's his name then? Oh Evan honey, I'm just so happy, I knew this job would be a good thing for you!" 

He smiled and relaxed slightly, "H-His name is Connor M-Murphy." 

Heidi furrowed her brows and seemed to be racking her brain for the name, "Connor Murphy." She muttered repeatedly, "The... Didn't he overdose in the park a couple of months ago?" 

Evan nodded nervously, "Y-Yeah. He, his p-parents aren't very," He struggled to find the right words, "h-helpful." He noticed her confused look and added, "He struggles w-with mental h-health." 

"Oh." She nodded, "Evan you know I'm always going to support you, right? I hope Connor Murphy will be a good thing for you, absolutely, but if this boy gives you any trouble or shows any hints at being trouble-"

"I-I know." He nodded, "I won't- I'll be careful." 

Heidi nodded and smiled, "So, when can I meet him?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for not updating in so long!! 
> 
> It's been a really busy summer for me but I won't go that long without updating again because it's not fair to you lovely people who read this! <3
> 
> What did you think of Heidi's reaction? 
> 
> Cynthia's will be coming next chapter.
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	11. Chapter 11

It was six o'clock in the evening and for most families that meant dinner time and discussing each other's days. 

Not for the Murphy household.

Larry was upstairs in his office, Zoe was round a friends house, Cynthia was in the kitchen flicking through a vegan cooking magazine and usually Connor would be out getting into trouble or passed out in his room. 

That's exactly what he would be doing right now if it wasn't for Evan and his idea to come out to their mums. 

So that's what had gotten Connor here, hovering nervously in the kitchen doorway, waiting for the right moment to make his presence known. 

"Hey Cynthia," He said awkwardly when he'd finally built up the balls to speak. 

"Connor, hi baby." She spoke as if talking to a wild animal that'd run off if she raised her voice and he fucking hated that. 

Why was he spoken to differently? Why was he treated differently? Like a little kid that needed to be saved from himself, it was ridiculous. He was already pissed off and they hadn't even started a goddamn conversation yet! 

"Um," he shuffled into the room and leaned against the desktop. Something about this reminded him all too much of when he'd tried to get to the medicine cabinet. Again. But he wasn't going to think about that, this was about Connor and Evan and them being happy. Together. "Can I talk to you?" 

"Of course!" Cynthia rushed to say, "Do you want a cup of tea? Or we could go into the living room-"

"I'm fine." He replied quickly, "Here's fine."

"Okay." She nodded, slowly. "Whenever you're ready." 

Connor took a deep breath and tightened up the hair tie on his messily tied up bun, "Did you know I'm gay?" He asked. 

If Cynthia was surprised she did a fucking good job hiding it, her facial expression didn't falter whatsoever and he was sort of grateful for that, "No, Connor I didn't. I don't really know you that well." 

Connor sucked in a deep breath and closed his eyes. That hurt. He could feel everything inside of him that actually wanted to make an effort with this leave his body entirely, and the part of him that hoped for acceptance was gone. Now he just didn't care. And it scared him how quickly that could happen.

"That's not my fault." He shot back, sharp but quietly. 

She purses her lips together tightly, "Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?"

Not entirely.

"Yes."

"Oh."

She seemed disappointed.

"What did you expect?" He asked.

Cynthia sighed wistfully and blinked rapidly, getting rid of the tears that were quick to brew, "Honestly, I thought you were going to tell me how those therapy sessions were going. You've been to a few now and I haven't heard anything from you, I..." she trailed off and turned around to face out the window. Connor knew it was because she was crying but he couldn't find it within himself to keep himself from falling apart and comfort his mother. 

"I don't want to talk about those." He mumbled, crossing his arms protectively around himself. 

*** TRIGGER WARNING ***

"Well I need to!" She exclaimed, voice strong. "You are my son, like it or not, and I need to know you're not going to run up those stairs and hold a razor to yourself, or something worse! I need to know that I can leave you at home whilst you're alone and not be constantly worried that I'm going to come home to a dead body! I need you to not cry yourself to sleep every night, to not run out at all hours of the day to take drugs, to not cut yourself because I'm not stupid, Connor, I see the bloody tissues in the bin! Just stop hating yourself, why is that so hard?! I don't understand."

Connor sighed, he couldn't be bothered. He couldn't be bothered to fight back, to argue, to scream, punch something, to do anything! It hurt. Of course it hurt. But it wasn't the normal kind of hurt. It wasn't bleeding, you couldn't see it, you can't put a plaster or an ice pack on it, it won't leave a bruise. This was a hurt that would leave you gasping for breath through all the tears, this was a hurt that would keep you up at night, it was one that you could feel right from the depth of your chest. A heavy weight on you constantly, it never leaves, you can't or don't remember how it got there, why it's there or when it's going to go away. 

This was a mental illness. 

And Connor had been stuck with this hurt for such a long time that it became a part of himself. So, no, he wasn't going to go storming up to his room, slamming doors, breaking furniture and punching walls like he normally would. He wasn't going to do that because he was numb. All over. It was an icy cold, lonely feeling of numbness. 

It made him want to scream from the top of his lungs, made him want to be rescued by somebody, but as much as he wanted to do all of these things, he didn't care about them more. 

And that's the side that always won. 

*** TRIGGER WARNING OVER ***

He did the only reasonable thing he could think of, turning on his heel, going up to his room down the hall and flopping onto his bed until the bliss relief of sleep finally dragged him in.

Connor wasn't going to tell Evan how badly his coming out had gone. First of all, he didn't even get to the part about who he was in a relationship with and second of all, Evan would only blame himself since it was his idea and Connor couldn't handle a more self loathing Evan than usual right now. 

So when the blonde asked how it went, Connor was going to be as good a boyfriend as he knew how and tell the him it went okay. 

Because that's what you do when you're numb and full of all this hurt, you lie until that lie comes true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update!!!!
> 
> How was Cynthia's reaction??
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	12. Chapter 12

Hours after Connor's talk with Cynthia, there was a faint knock at his bedroom door. 

He was sprawled on his bed, headphones in and the only person that would be on the opposite side of that door was either one of his parents or his sister and Connor honestly didn't feel like talking to any one of those options right now. 

He ignored it. Instead pulling the covers up to his neck and pretending to be asleep in the hope that perhaps the thing he most desperately craved would suck him in and he could escape. If only for a couple of hours, an escape was an escape.

"Connor?" It was Zoe. She was whispering, he didn't know what time it was but it had to be late otherwise she wouldn't have bothered to keep her voice down. 

He was tired. And pissed off. And wanted to sleep. And didn't have the heart to tell her to fuck off. His mind was a constant state between not feeling anything and feeling everything all at once and it was exhausting, but something inside him made the long haired boy stand up and answer the door to see his little sister standing there and looking small and afraid and it filled his entire being up with an overwhelming sense of guilt he didn't know what to do with. 

"What?" He asked, voice rough and quiet. 

"Can I come in?" She replied, Connor shrugged and stood aside so that Zoe could enter his room. She hadn't been in Connor's bedroom for a long time, now it had gotten to the point where it hurt to remember why. 

He closed the door behind her and the two siblings sat down on the ground opposite each other, Connor leaning against his bed and Zoe against the wall.

For a while, neither one said anything. Zoe was looking around the room and Connor was pretending not to notice the way her eyes kept darting to the bloody tissues in the bin or the draw that was open and showed off his bloody pocket knife he'd forgotten to clean.

"Mum told me about your conversation earlier." She eventually said. "She's really upset."

Connor sighed and starred at the floor, "She has no right to be." 

"I agree." 

"What?" He asked, for the second time that night. 

Zoe stretched her legs out and bit her lip in thought before answering, "Mum has no right to be upset with you for not talking about your therapy sessions. The important thing is that you're going, right?" 

Connor nodded. Yes, he was still going. He wished he wasn't. Really, he was only doing it for Evan now. And maybe Zoe, he wasn't quite sure of that yet. It wasn't through any fault of Paul's that Connor didn't like going to therapy. Hell, he genuinely liked Paul! The guy was funny and didn't pry if Connor didn't want him to, he respected the older man for that. What he didn't like about therapy, was all the feelings that were brought along with it.

If there was one thing Connor hated most in life, besides the life itself, was talking about his emotions. What was the point? You pour your heart out to a complete stranger that knows shit all about you, they give you some crappy brain exercises or whatever and then you're on your way with most of your heart still poured out and with no place to put it so you lash out at people until you've got no heart left. Then you do it all again next session. 

"I know about Evan, you know." Zoe said offhandedly, Connor's head snapped up and his eyes flashed dangerously. 

"How?" He demanded.

She shrugged, "Jared told Alana and Alana told me. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out, Connor, you're always texting someone, out all the time-" 

"Who else knows?" He said fiercely, not even bothering to keep his voice down now. The last thing the boys needed was their relationship being talked about by everyone, Connor refused to push Evan into the spotlight like that. 

"I don't know!" Zoe replied, "I didn't tell anyone and I think Alana only told me. It's not a big deal though, Connor." 

He laughed, "Not a big deal? Zoe, if everyone finds out that we're together by the time school starts again, Evan will be judged for dating a fucking freak like me and I'm not gonna let that happen." 

"You're not a-" she cut herself off and sighed, "I won't tell anyone, I'm sorry I bought it up, okay?"

Connor nodded, "'S okay." He whispered. 

Zoe smiled tightly and stood up, she was about to leave but on her way out she stopped and turned to look at her brother, "I want you to be happy, Connor, I want you to go back to being my annoying big brother." She admitted softly before leaving and closing the door behind her. 

Connor sighed. He wanted that too. More than anything. The only problem was, he didn't know how to get there. The damage had already been done, how do you go about reversing something like that? 

The thought of what he had done to Zoe left a very heavy weight on his chest. It was unfair and cruel and the absolute exhaustion that came along with it made Connor completely pass out on the carpeted floor, his mind still racing a million miles a minute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took 3 days, 5 rewrites, 2 plot changes and I still hate it.
> 
> But I hope you enjoyed anyway!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	13. Chapter 13

“She k-knows?” Evan stuttered.

“She knows.” Connor confirmed. 

The couple were in Evan’s bedroom, Heidi was at work and they were watching a cheesy cartoon movie on Evan’s laptop when Connor felt the need to tell the blonde about Zoe finding out about them. 

“Is that a p-problem for y-you?” He asked, biting his lip and turning his head to look up at Connor. 

“What? No!” The long haired boy exclaimed, “I thought it would be a problem for you!”

“Why?”

“Because,” he sighed, struggling to find the right words, “I don’t want people saying anything about us.” 

That was the most delicate way he could put it. What Connor really meant was “I’m a giant fuck up, I’m Connor Murphy, school shooter and you’re Evan Hansen, you’re good and I’m not and that means people are going to judge us and also judge you and I don’t want that affecting our relationship.” 

Evan seemed to understand what he meant though, by the way he laced their fingers together and said, “I-I’m not ashamed of you.” The amount of sincerity in his tone was enough to make Connor start sobbing there and then. 

He smiled at his boyfriend and bent his head down to capture the blondes soft lips in his own. Evan responded immediately, turning himself around so that he was practically in Connor’s lap. The movie was disregarded and still played lowly in the background, and this right here, was perfect. 

Connor carefully flipped them over so that Evan was leaning against the pillows and the brunette was on top, slowly leaving a trail of kisses down the blondes neck. 

Evan made a desperate, whining sound as he tugged at Connor’s hoodie. Connor stopped abruptly. This was the furthest they’d ever gone, Evan hadn’t seen him without a top on yet. It... was not pretty. He had scars littering his arms, all the way up to his shoulders, some had turned a silver kind of colour, some still had dried blood on them. 

It was embarrassing and it made him vulnerable and he wanted to be both of these things in front of Evan, he did! Because he trusts him, he just can’t help wondering what the blonde will think of him when he sees. 

“Don’t stare.” Connor whispered firmly, voice rough from kissing. Evan nodded slowly and watched as Connor took off his hoodie.

Evan didn’t stare. He looked once, briefly, before looking back up and starring into Connor’s blue/brown eyes instead. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what was there and he knew that not looking didn’t mean he could just pretend his boyfriend didn’t hate himself. 

Connor searched the blondes eyes for any hint of disgust or judgement but he couldn’t find anything. Maybe it was just wishful thinking, maybe Evan had the most repelled expression on his face and Connor was too stupid to see it but right now he didn’t care. Because right now he was looking at Evan like he was the only person in the world, because how lucky was he to have someone so incredible in his life? He didn’t deserve Evan. He knew this. Everyone knew this. But what if they could just pretend?

“I want to see you.” Connor said, softly. Evan didn’t say anything, he pulled his boyfriend down for a small peck on the lips before taking off his own t shirt and Connor had to physically restrain himself before he ruined this moment because Jesus Christ Evan was beautiful. 

Sharp hipbones, chest hair, a small and faint splattering of freckles around his shoulders and arms that looked like constellations. 

“God,” The long haired boy whispered, “You’re so fucking perfect.” 

Evan smiled and reconnected their kiss, Connor nibbled at the blonde’s lower lip and slid his tongue inside, they were exploring each other, getting to know one another and Evan was weaving his fingers through Connor’s hair and it was making him crazy. 

“Hey Hansen?” Connor began breathlessly, in between kisses. 

Evan hummed in reply without breaking their kiss. 

“I love you.” 

The blonde pulled away and the two boys panted to catch their breath, their foreheads were touching and their hands were still enclosed in each other’s. 

“Oh my g-god.” Evan whispered, their faces were so close together Connor could feel his breath on his own face, “I love you t-too.” 

They smiled at each other and laughed breathlessly, wasting no time in getting back to exploring each other’s mouths, Connor reconnected their lips as soon as Evan had uttered those four words. 

“A-Are we really d-doing this?” Evan asked when Connor started kissing his neck again. 

He paused, “Are you ready?” 

The usually anxious boy didn’t even hesitate before nodding, “With y-you? Yes.” 

Connor nodded as well, “Me too.” 

“I-I love you s-so much.” 

“God, I love you so fucking much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not actually going to write a smut scene but you can use your imagination haha! 
> 
> So this chapter ends with them having sex and they finally said I love you!! 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	14. Chapter 14

When Connor awoke the next morning, it was still dark out and Evan was laying next to him, fast asleep. He took a moment to replay what had happened last night in his head and smiled down at his sleeping boyfriend in his arms. 

God, he was lucky. 

So, so, incredibly, amazingly lucky. 

And this boy made him happy. This blonde, blue eyed, anxious, nature enthusiast boy made Connor Murphy so goddamn happy it made his heart clench. 

But it wasn't enough, he wished it was, but it wasn't. It made him crazy that being in love with Evan wasn't enough to save him, but what he could he do? Nothing. 

These thoughts constantly swam around in his head and sometimes the only thing that could relieve himself of them was smoking. If Connor was being honest, he didn't like smoking. He didn't like the smell, he didn't like the fact that he knew it was unhealthy and that he didn't care, he didn't even particularly like the taste.

But it was an escape. It was a way to shut his mind off, a relaxant; so that's exactly why he carefully got out of the bed, making sure not to awake Evan, reached into his bag that was dumped in the corner, sat down at Evan's desk and lit a cigarette. 

A decision he would quickly, oh so fucking quickly, regret for a long, long time. 

It was about ten minutes later and Connor was on to his second smoke that the switch of Evan's bedside light being turned on made him jump in surprise. He turned his head around and saw Evan sitting up in bed, a hurt look on his face and the brunette immediately felt like an arsehole. 

He was so sick of that feeling. 

"Morning," Connor mumbled, "I think. I don't know what time it is."

"It's m-midnight." Evan replied, voice shaking. 

"Ah." 

The pair were silent. A beat. And then Evan said, "Connor are you seriously s-smoking right after we m-made l-love for the first t-time?"

Connor sighed and put out the cigarette, "Ev-"

The blonde cut him off, which was a shock to the long haired boy and an immediate sign that he'd fucked up, "W-We said I love you. We, I-" he sighed and bit his lower lip, "Do you k-know how that makes me f-feel? You're the first person I've ever b-been with and I r-really love you Connor, I-I do, and t-then I find the bed e-empty, think you've just u-up and l-left me but no. You're still here, just n-not with me. Just s-smoking, like you a-always a-are." He added in a mumble, crossing his arms.

What could Connor say to that?

He... it... this was an odd feeling. It wasn't defeat, because he had buckets of knowledge over what that was and what that felt like. It wasn't sadness, even though he was sad right now, Connor was sad because Evan looked sad but that wasn't what he was feeling. It was a twisted stomach, a heavy chest, a buzzing mind, his limbs went light. 

And then it hit him. This was something he hadn't ever had the chance to get used to because, well, this was the feeling of hurting someone you loved. 

He chose his next words delicately, knowing that Evan's beautiful, big, blue eyes were watching him carefully, "Evan, this isn't about us having sex." 

"Having s-sex." The blonde quoted, "What am I to y-you?" 

"What do you mean what are you to me?" Connor asked, voice picking up in volume, "You're my boyfriend, you're someone I love, don't ask ridiculous questions!" He took a deep breath and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, and lowered his voice knowing that yelling wouldn't get them anywhere, "You don't understand. You can't understand. Just... let me do what I need to be okay, please?"

Evan wiped his eyes, and Connor had to look away because he couldn't cope knowing that he was the reason his boyfriend was crying, "To b-be okay-"

"Evan." Connor said through gritted teeth, he closed his eyes knowing what was coming next. 

"To be o-okay," the blonde carried on, "you need t-to go to therapy! T-Take your meds, try a-all these techniques the d-doctors are giving you! Quit all the s-smoking and-" 

"Evan!" Connor snapped, because he wasn't ready to hear it. The Truth Bomb.

"I love you a-and I want you to be around f-for a long t-time, I want to go to p-prom with you, I w-want us to still be together in c-college! We could get an a-apartment together and decorate i-it how we w-want and take turns c-cooking because neither o-one of us is good at it I want to f-fucking marry you, Connor, b-because I love you! But none of t-that is going to happen i-if you carry on like this. I... I feel like I-I'm not enough for y-you."

For a brief moment, Connor stopped to think about how much thought Evan had put into their future together. It sounded absolutely wonderful, everything the brunette could ever want. And it was with Evan! That was the goal, that was what kept Connor going, knowing that one day he and Evan would be in a little fixer upper apartment together, laughing in the kitchen, listening to music whilst cooking, doing laundry, watching movies in the living room and falling asleep in each other's arms. 

It felt so far away. 

"You... you're more than enough for me, Ev. I just-"

"What?" Evan asked, wrapping his arms round himself, "I'm n-not worth i-it? Not g-good enough?"

"You are the one goddamn thing in my life that's good, Hansen!" Connor yelled, jaw clenched, mind racing. 

"Then f-fucking prove it!" Evan yelled back with equal anger.

And he was about to. He was about to scream every single reason to his boyfriend about why he was good, and why he was enough, and why he meant more to Connor than the fucking sun. But for some reason that fight or flight mode that’s built into everyone failed him, it was completely beyond Connor’s control, so instead of comforting Evan like he wanted to, the long haired boy took one last look at his boyfriend sobbing on the bed before storming out of the bedroom and out of the house entirely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing to say but sorry. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, please tell me what you thought of this chapter!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	15. Chapter 15

***TRIGGER WARNING LOOK FOR THE ***

Connor had left and Evan hadn't heard from him. 

Evan gave his boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, it had only been a couple of hours since Connor had stormed out of the house and he was probably taking the time to cool off before reaching out to Evan and apologising. For everything. Like he always does and how he always should. 

But god, god, was it painful? The blonde hadn't moved from his place in his bed, he sat there sobbing for ages. 

In reality, Evan knew that this was not a normal teenage high school romance. It was not just Connor and Evan and it could never be just Connor and Evan. It was Connor and Evan and depression and anxiety and anger issues and trust issues and whatever you want to call it, it was them and it was a mess. 

It was a whirlwind mess that took over every ounce of the two boy's being. You know that feeling when you're doing something you're not supposed to be doing, and it's scary as hell and you know it's wrong, but that just makes you want to do it even more? It was that sense of adrenaline and love that was like a drug and god were they both drunk off of it. 

Evan didn't know where Connor was. He didn't know where he was going, either. He could be on his way over to Evan's right now to apologise, he could be in his car driving as far away from Evan as possible, and then one thought that sent the anxious boy hyperventilating... he could be dead.

Of course that was ridiculous. Would the thing that sent Connor over the edge really be a little fight between them? When they have these little fights all the time? It was too much. It was all getting too much. His skin was tight, he couldn't get enough oxygen into his lungs and fucking hell he couldn't just sit here sobbing like a toddler when his boyfriend could be dead somewhere, right now! 

With shaking hands, Evan grabbed his phone off his bedside table and began scrolling through his contacts before landing on Connor's name.

Evan H :): Hey it's me. I'm so so so so so sorry about everything, Con. I don't want us to fight, can you please come over and we can talk about this? I love you xxx 

Five minutes. No reply. Ten minutes. No reply. Eventually ten rolled into twenty and twenty led to a full thirty minutes with no signal that Connor had even read the message. 

Evan H :): Connor are you there?

Evan H :): You're scaring me... 

Evan H :): Where are you???!! 

Evan H :): Are you safe??

Nothing nothing nothing. He could go out and look for Connor himself but where would he even start? Where would Connor go? Why would Connor go? If you love someone you don’t just up and leave them, and they had said ‘I love you’, right? 

He couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. Evan was choking, suffocating, gasping for air and soon enough he was having a full blown panic attack. 

You’d think for someone who had these as often as Evan did, he’d know how to cope with them on his own. But he doesn’t. He’s hopeless when he’s on his own, he’s lost. Nothing, even. 

His mind was numb. All he could think about was Connor. He wanted to be free, to stop all of this. To leave everything behind. To start again. 

And he didn’t know what he was doing. What he was about to do. Honestly, it frightened him. The feeling of not being in control. But Evan hadn’t been in control for a while now, and he had grown used to it. 

So he wasn’t surprised when he slowly got out of bed and got downstairs.

Nor was he surprised when he left the house entirely and took Heidi’s car. 

He had his provisional license so he could technically drive. What was the worst that could happen? 

Evan was a little bit surprised when he pulled up at the Orchard. His job. The place where Connor and Evan had first met, where it all started. Amongst all of his panic and tears, Evan’s body had taken him to the place where he was always happy. 

Where he could always be happy. No matter what. 

Where he didn’t have to worry about his anxiety, school, the stress of being alive, his mum spending all her hard earned money on his meds, Jared, Connor. 

It was a constant worry of Connor being dead or alive, if Connor was safe, stable, if he was happy, if he was on edge, if he was angry, upset, sad, mad at Evan for some reason. 

But he wanted it all. He wanted to worry about Connor. Because Evan fucking loves him. Because they were in love with each other and they were going to do whatever they could to keep themselves okay and together. 

***TRIGGER WARNING***

There was this tree in the park. A big, beautiful Ash Tree and before Evan had met Connor he always thought... it would be the perfect-

No.

He couldn’t... how could he... Connor would... 

Connor didn’t care. Apparently. If he did, then why wouldn’t he text Evan back? Why would he leave in the first place? Why would he make Evan, someone he supposedly ‘loves’, feel so goddamn shitty that he would actually even contemplate that? 

But fuck it, right? He couldn’t keep doing this, he couldn’t keep having these arguments with his boyfriend, he couldn’t keep disappointing everyone around him. 

And so, with all these thoughts swirling around in his mind, Evan Hansen didn’t just fall out of that tree.

He let go. 

***END OF TRIGGER WARNING***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trust me with this, guys.
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	16. Chapter 16

Evan’s eyes slowly fluttered open. He could hear the repetitive beep beep of the heart rate machine, but this was all wrong. He had died, hadn't he? Why could he still think, still feel, still smell the antiseptic of the hospital, still hear the machine and voices and doctors shoes squeaking on the floor, why was he here? Who had found him? 

He opened his eyes fully, immediately regretting it and just wishing he could go back to sleep when the harsh, bright light stung his sensitive pupils. He must have groaned quietly without realising as the voices he heard earlier stopped and Evan heard the scuffling of shoes on hardwood flooring as the owners of the voices got closer to his bed. 

"Evan? Honey?" He knew that voice, that was the voice that said good morning to him every morning and good night every night and "I love you" every day. This was Heidi, his mum. This was safe. 

"Lights," he mumbled in reply, still squinting and turning his head to the side. 

"Okay I've got it," she said, softly and when he heard the click of a light switch being turned off, he could stop squinting and look closer at his mothers worried face. "Careful of your arm, honey." 

Huh? Evan averted his gaze downwards to his arms that were tucked in tightly underneath the heavy, itchy material of hospital bedding. In his half awake state and poor vision, it was clear to make out the beginning of a thick, white cast on his left arm. 

It was obvious to Evan now, starring him down in the face, that his attempt had failed. Was he sad? He always was, but not because of this. Happy, relieved, thankful? Not at all. The blonde was more embarrassed than anything, it was clear as day to anyone who knew him what he was trying to do, Evan had been climbing trees since the age of four and now he falls out of one? 

"I'll let the two of you talk and be back later with some more pain meds." The second voice said before waking out the room and shutting the door, the doctor, Evan presumed. 

Silence. Beep beep beep was the only sound that filled the empty room, like the heart rate monitor was mocking him. Look, I'm still beating, I'm still here and so are you, you didn't do anything. 

Heidi cleared her throat, "Um, your boss at the Orchard found you." She began, Evan did nothing but focus on a spot on the wall in front of him, "He called an ambulance and he called me, when I arrived the paramedics were loading you into the ambulance. You were out cold, you were slightly burnt from the sun since you were there for a while until your boss went looking for you, the sirens were so loud, Evan, you don't realise how loud they are until you're right next to it and it's happening to you.

"Your arm was broken in so many places that they had to operate and you had to have pins put in. I watched as they wheeled you down to the operating theatre, away from the ambulance, away from the hospital wards, away from me. I sat in the waiting room for nearly two hours and all I could think about was 'what if this boy doesn't wake up?' I couldn't cope with that. But then, whilst you're being wheeled into recovery, one of the doctors comes out to talk to me and do you know what he says?" 

Evan breathes in deeply, starring at the cast on his left arm, "What?" He murmured. 

Heidi seemed to clench her jaw as she turned to face the door, as if preparing herself for what she was about to say next, "He says, 'Due to the circumstances of the accident your son was in, we cannot rule out the possibility that it was a suicide attempt.'"

It was the way that she had seemed to replay those words over and over again in her head, how she had memorised them and said them all with such finality that it had Evan at a loss for words. 

It was a suicide attempt, there was no doubt about that. Evan knew it, Heidi knew it, hell even the doctors seemed to know it. He felt this huge, intense wave of shame wash over him, drown him, as he thought about what Connor might say. Connor was no stranger to this topic, Connor was no stranger to this whole damn experience but the blonde couldn't cope not knowing how his boyfriend would react when he was on the other side of this whole ordeal. 

The thought made his stomach churn. 

Evan bit his lip, "Mum, I-I wouldn't do t-that, you k-know I wouldn't." He whispered. 

Heidi covered her mouth with her hands, blue eyes filling with tears as she chocked out, "You're lying." 

Evan tried shaking his head, denying it all, he really tried. He had tears of his own pooling in his eyes, threading to fall, and the more he seemed to deny it, the more Heidi seemed to believe it. 

"Why?" She whispered, he barely heard her since her shaking hands were still closed over her mouth in shock. 

"I-I didn't-" 

"Honey, please-" 

Evan sighed. Hearing your mum cry and beg for answers on why you tried killing yourself really did something to your emotions. Why had he done it? He could try passing it all off as the fight he had with Connor, he could explain that fighting was all they seemed to do and it always hurt them both to the point of breaking but it felt so good in the end so they just kept coming back to each other, he could try to get her to understand how hard it was for him to function in the world and it all got so overwhelming, that letting go was the easiest way out at the time.

"C-Connor-"

"Connor?" She repeated, brows drawn, eyes puffy and red, "I knew it," she added, softly.

"What?"

"Of course, Evan! Can't you see? Connor's always talking about killing himself that it's rubbed off on you!" 

"N-No!" He exclaimed, struggling to sit up with one arm, "Connor is not a-always talking about k-killing himself, y-you don't even k-know him." 

"He's got a reputation!”

“That’s n-not his f-fault!” 

Heidi took a deep breath, she clenched her fists around the sleeves of her jumper, tears dripping down her cheeks as she said very carefully, “This boy is bad for you, Evan! You’re too reliable on each other, his thoughts are seeping into your mind and making you feel the same way as he does!” 

Evan shook his head, messy blonde hair flying everywhere, “T-That’s not t-true, I love him!”

“You let go, Evan. You tried to kill yourself!” She yelled, “You never used to have those kind of thoughts before you met Connor!”

“How do y-you know?” Evan yelled back. 

“Because you’re my son!” 

“Am I?” They were both shouting now, the entire hospital could probably hear them, “Biologically s-sure, but h-honestly? I haven’t f-felt like your s-son in a l-long time.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, Evan regretted them. He regretted them even more when Heidi just shook her head, wiped her eyes, grabbed her bag and stormed out of the room. 

Leaving Evan alone, with the beep beep of the heart monitor that was going slightly faster from the energy it took to argue, the smell of a hospital, the dread of seeing Connor’s reaction when he found out and the thought that maybe, just maybe, if he had gone to a taller tree this all could have been avoided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta get worse before it gets better, folks!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	17. Chapter 17

It had been two hours since Heidi left and Jared showed up.

Two hours where Evan was just sat up in that uncomfortable, cold, lonely hospital bed, his arm throbbing in pain even though he had taken almost every pain medication under the sun, the beep beep of the heart rate monitor the only sound filling the room whilst he starred at the plain white wall in front of him. 

He was glad Jared had came, Evan assumed Heidi had told Jared's mum what the blonde had done and Mrs Kleinman had told her son to go visit Evan. 

He wished it was Connor instead, but he would take any company he could get, anything to distract him. 

Distract him from his argument with Heidi, which he was very quickly starting to regret, distract him from the fact that yes he had tried to kill himself, distract him from his argument with Connor and from that fucking pain in his left arm that made him feel so fucking tired. 

"So," Jared mused, sitting himself in the chair by Evans bed, "you quit your job at the Orchard?"

He shrugged, "I-I'll have t-too. Can't work with t-trees with a b-broken arm."

His friend nodded, "You know," he began softly, moving his chair closer to Evan, "I'm always here for ya, Evie. I know you didn't fall out of that tree, you've been climbing them since we were kids. So when you're ready to tell me what happened, I'm here."

Evan clenched his jaw. He wanted to tell Jared, oh god, he wanted to. But it wasn't like he needed another reason to make his best friend hate his boyfriend, the two of them already despised each other. But at the same time, what were friends for if they didn't help you with things like this? 

He wasn't going to cry, he wasn't going to cry, he was not going to cry. 

But he did wipe at his eyes before the tears had the opportunity to fall. 

"C-Connor and I," He drew in a shaky breath so that he wouldn't choke on the next few words, "We g-got into a f-fight."

"Physical?"

"No!" Evan exclaimed, an outlandish look on his face, "H-He wouldn't do t-that! It j-just hurt. A lot." 

It still did. He couldn't even remember exactly what they had fought about, but he knew that the very thought of it hurt his chest more than his stupid broken arm ever could. 

Jared sighed, Evan hated it when his friend got that look on his face. His usual joking, lighthearted best friend very rarely looked that serious, and it was only when they were talking about Connor. "You need to leave him, Evan." He said, firmly.

Evan shook his head, he dragged his good arm across his face to hide his tears and blotchy red cheeks, he didn't want to hear this. He wanted to hear him say that these things happen! All couples fight! You two love each other so you'll work it out! He didn't want to hear all of his doubts that he had pushed down inside of himself rush to the surface to be spoken out loud. He didn't want to hear the truth, not yet, he wanted to live in ignorant bliss just for a while longer. 

"How many times has he hurt you?" Jared was saying, "And you've only been together for a couple of months. What's he gonna do next?"

"I can't l-leave." Evan whispered, "I love him."

Jared laughed and shook his head, "Is love just a lot more dramatic for the gays then? Or are we all fucked?" 

He shrugged and began picking at a loose thread of his cast, "H-He said he'd c-change for m-me. He promised."

The other boy had this incredulous look on his face, "People like Connor Murphy don't CHANGE, Evan! The quicker you realise that, the less it's going to hurt when he leaves."

"Talking about me, eh?" Both boys looked up to see Connor standing in the door way, his hair tucked behind his ear and a bouquet of flowers in his arms. 

"Murphy." Jared sneered before Evan got the chance to greet his boyfriend first, "Tell me something, why am I here before you? You heard Evan was in the hospital and, what, you just thought you'd show up fashionably late? I've been here comforting your boyfriend whilst you've been getting fucking flowers? Are you serious?"

Connor opened his mouth to defend himself but Evan interrupted before he could say anything.

"J-Jared, can you g-give us a m-minute?" 

He didn't argue with the blonde, he simply stood up from the chair and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. 

He did purposely bump into Connor's shoulder on the way out though. 

For a while, Evan just looked at Connor. This boy. The person he was in love with. In Evans eyes, the most beautiful person in the world. This person that he'd had his first kiss with, the person he'd given his virginity to. This wonderful person who laughed at every shitty or cheesy joke Evan said, who took Evan out for ice cream because he wanted to apologise for being a dick, who watched nature documentaries with Evan because it made him happy, who listened to him go on and on about trees just to see the smile he got on his face, who would help him through a panic attack and deal with what happened after.

But, this was also the person who got incredibly angry with Evan just because Evan said he wasn't a 'freak', the person who hated himself so much that he was willing to physically hurt himself and hide it from Evan, who had started smoking just hours after having sex with each other for the first time and casting Evan away as a cheap fuck, who had gotten into argument after argument with Evan for the smallest of reasons, who had made Evan cry more times than he ever had, who had hurt his heart more than he could take.

It was like dating two different people. Everybody, well the only two people in his life, were telling him to break up with Connor because they only saw the Connor that hated himself. They never saw the Connor that loved Evan, because that part of himself was reserved for the blonde and only for the blonde. 

That's why he wasn't going to break up with Connor. Because he loved him, and the good times felt so fucking good that they were worth putting up with all the shit. 

"You c-can come closer, y-you know." Evan stuttered after a while of silence.

"Um," The long haired boy cleared his throat, and walked over, sitting on the edge of his boyfriend's bed, "These are for you." He said, lifting up the flowers, halfheartedly. 

"Thank you." 

Silence.

"Oh jheez Ev, was it because of me?" Connor asked, looking extremely distressed.

"N-No no, don't b-be silly. I-" 

"How can we be together if I made you try to kill yourself?" He said, shaking his head desperately, those beautiful blue/brown eyes that Evan loved to get lost in filling with tears. 

"It w-wasn't you, I p-promise." 

"Then why did you do it?" 

"I..." Evan began, struggling to find the right words because it was a very good question, "I got o-overwhelmed. With e-everything. I'm such a-a mess, I'm s-so sorry."

Connor reached out to grasp Evans good hand and squeezed tightly, "Why are you sorry?" He asked, his hair was falling out of place but he made no move to fix it, "You don't have to be sorry."

"Because y-you deserve so m-much better than m-me. Why haven't y-you given u-up on me? I don't u-understand." He sobbed, he knew he probably looked pathetic but he couldn't find it within himself to care. All he cared about was Connor.

"I'm not giving up on you." He replied, sternly. His firm voice made Evan look up and he saw tears streaming down his boyfriends face, lips chapped from how dry his mouth probably was and his hand was squeezing the blondes so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. 

Evan had never trusted a word Connor had said before as much as he did in that moment.

"Why n-not?" He still found himself wondering.

"Because for the first time I actually have something I fucking care about." 

Evan sobbed. Gross, ugly, snotty, tearful sobs but he still looked absolutely gorgeous to Connor, "I love you." Evan said, so very quietly.

"I love you too." Connor replied instantly, "So fucking much." 

And when they both leaned in for a kiss and their lips touched, it felt like the good times again. That nothing bad could happen to them because they had, and always would have, each other.

It wasn't much, but for now it was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sappy / fluffy ending to make up for all the angst I've been putting everybody through? Check!
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	18. Chapter 18

Connor left the hospital quickly after that, making sure to glare at Jared on his way out. He probably should try to get along with Kleinman for Evan's sake but honestly? He couldn't be bothered, especially since it was clear that Jared wouldn't be making the same effort as him. 

Connor rushed out of the hospital reception, more than eager to get away from the smell, the doctors, the sick patients, the memories of last time he was here and it was him in that hospital bed and not Evan. His beautiful, kind, sweet, happy Evan who didn't deserve this.

The blonde could say all he wanted that it wasn't Connor's fault, that he'd been having these thoughts and ideas for a long, long time, that it was just that one day - that one fucking day - where they fought which pushed him over the edge. And Connor knew that feeling, he knew it like the back of his hand, for a while it was all he could feel! That was why he felt an even greater sense of remorse for knowing that he had something, just something, to do with hurting Evan Hansen. 

To do with Evan Hansen attempting suicide. 

That it was his fault, his anger, his scars, his breakdowns that had happened one too many times in front of Evan to make Evan feel the same way he did. And god, nobody on this Earth deserved that feeling less than Hansen. 

These thoughts followed him, like a song he couldn't get out of his head, as he got into his car and drove to Doctor Heere's office. Connor was long overdue for a visit with Paul, Cynthia had caught onto the fact that he hasn't been going recently, and he made a promise to himself that he would attend this one. 

So he did. 

"Hello, Connor." Paul acknowledged, looking up from his desk as the long haired boy walked in and took a seat in one of the cold, wooden chairs. 

Connor simply nodded in return, not able to bring himself to reply.

"I've not seen you in a while," the balding man remarked, leaning forward on his desk and looking genuinely interested.

If he were being honest with himself, Connor preferred Paul to any other person who'd tried to 'cure' him of this sickness he had going on inside of his head. He appreciated the fact that Paul would be perfectly content to just use up all of their time in silence and not try to get him to talk about his emotions like the others would. But there was still that nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him that Paul was hired by Cynthia and Larry to fix Connor, so that was exactly what he was trying to do even if it didn't seem like it.

"Sorry," he replied shortly. 

Paul frowned, "There's no need to apologise, I'm interested to know what you've been up to." 

Connor shrugged, "I don't know." 

Because he didn't. Summer was nearly over and he had done nothing except meet a boy, fall in love, and then make that boy try to kill himself. 

"Did you get a job?" 

"No."

"Girlfriend?" 

"I'm gay."

"Boyfriend, then?" 

Connor raised an eyebrow at how the expression of the older man's face didn't even falter. "Yes." He answered, throat tight. 

Was this a good idea? Telling Paul about Evan? It wasn't as if Paul was going to tell Cynthia and Larry their son had a boyfriend, but he couldn't escape the feeling that talking about the blonde would somehow put him in even more danger. 

Danger of what? Danger of Connor and this whirlwind of a mess that seemed to follow him wherever he went.

Doctor Heere seemed to notice the raised eyebrow, "My son has a boyfriend." He explained, "How long have you known him?"

Connor shrugged, he did know. Until he lost track and didn't. Was that bad? Did that make him a bad boyfriend? 

And it just went on and on.

"What's his name?"

"How did you meet?"

"Where is he now?"

"Does he know you're here?"

"Does he know about the state of your mental health?"

"Does he help you with it?"

"How does he help you with it?" 

Connor mostly shrugged his way through all of those questions. They felt too intrusive, too personal, it wasn't fair that Evan was being dragged into this, that Paul had an idea of what Evan was like without even meeting him! It wasn't right, it wasn't right at all. He never wanted for this to happen, he never meant to have everybody find out about the two of them. Jared, Zoe, Heidi, Paul. It was a mistake. He was a mistake. Who the fuck was he to be sitting here talking to a fucking therapist about his fucking feelings, or whatever the hell they were talking about, when he was the reason that Evan Hansen had jumped out of that fucking tree and that he was the reason why Evan Hansen was so bloody broken that he would actually even consider- 

He couldn't even finish his trail of thought, he was so angry. He was so angry at himself for hurting his boyfriend, for telling Paul about Evan in the first place, he was angry at Paul for asking him all of these questions that he didn't really need to know the answer to, he was angry at Cynthia and Larry for putting him here in the first place. It was all just too much.

"You want to know about my boyfriend?" Connor snapped, standing up and pushing his chair back harshly as he did so, "My boyfriend is in a hospital bed right now because I fucked up. That's right! He tried to fucking kill himself because I don't make him as happy as he deserves to be! Because there is a part of me that is dark and ugly and terrifies even me, and I can't control it. And I take everything out on Evan and everyone around me, I know that makes me a monster and I know that it makes me toxic and I don't know how to stop it." He's sobbing, when did he start sobbing? This was not the plan, yelling your heart out to your therapist until your throat hurt whilst your hands were balled up into fists and tears were streaming down your face was not the plan. "And it's not that I don't care, because I do!" He laughed, manically and ran a hand through his hair, "It's just that I care more than I want to and that's... that's terrifying."

Doctor Heere looked up at Connor from where he was still sitting at his desk and said, "Connor, caring about someone is supposed to be terrifying." He explained simply, completely unfazed by the Murphy boy's breakdown, "That's how you know you love them."

Connor shook his head and wiped angrily at his eyes. He had to go, he had to get out of here. With a rushed excuse, the long haired boy collected his bag and hurried out of the office door, he walked at the same fast pace as he did to get out of the hospital and he didn't stop until he was in his car and driving far, far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	19. Chapter 19

Heidi came back to see Evan about an hour after Connor had left. She felt so guilty, what kind of mother was she? For her son to be hurting so badly that he'd even consider doing what he did, let alone actually go through with it, and she had blamed his boyfriend. A person she hadn't even met. 

She was slightly disgusted with herself but during the shock, betrayal and anger it all just fit together so perfectly! That if she had Connor Murphy to blame for her sons mental health issues then maybe she didn't have to accept the fact that it might have been because she isn't the type of mother Evan deserves. 

Evan was sleeping when she arrived at his hospital room, she was still in her nurses scrubs having just gotten off her shift, but she wasn't about to go home to freshen up when her son needed her. Heidi sat down on the edge of his bed, for a while she just starred at Evan. Listening to the steady beep beep beep of the heart rate monitor that somehow soothed her. 

She heard that sound constantly at work and usually it would make her wince because of the high pitch and repetitiveness of it. But now? Heidi would make it her fucking ringtone if she knew how! Because this wasn't just some stranger that she was getting paid to look after, this was her son. The person she'd been solely responsible for his entire life, the person she'd looked after and cared for and loved for seventeen years and nine months. This wonderful, beautiful, flawed, perfect baby boy had a heart that was beating and he was safe and he was with her. 

Heidi had wept the first time he was placed in her arms and she wasn't above weeping now. 

Evan woke up, for the second time that day, to see his mother's tearful and remorseful face. The second he saw her, he jolted up from where he was laying, as best he could with a broken arm, and embraced Heidi in a tight hug.

"I'm sorry," he whispered in her ear, body wracked with sobs, "I'm s-sorry, I-I'm s-so so sorry."

Heidi held her son, squeezed tightly and said, "It's okay, it's okay. I'm sorry too." 

"I-I didn't mean i-it, I s-swear." Evan cried.

"I know, honey. I know. I didn't mean it either."

He pulled away to look into her eyes, his vision was blurry with tears and he guessed hers was too judging by the tears that streamed down her face, "C-Connor's n-not a bad p-person. He-He's really n-not, mum." 

Heidi nodded and held onto his hand, "I know, I trust you. If you love him, so can I." 

"R-Really?" He asked, almost frightfully. 

"Of course!" She replied, softly. "You can invite him round sometime and I can meet him properly and show him all of your baby pictures!"

Evan laughed weakly and she did too, he leaned into her side as she played with his hair like what they used to do when Evan was little and was scared of the thunderstorms, "M-Maybe don't show h-him those."

She only hummed and continued running her fingers through those blonde curls, so much like her own. 

"I-I didn't m-mean to l-let g-go." Evan's voice said delicately, above the roaring silence. 

She shushed him, "It's okay." She whispered, "You're gonna be okay." 

And everything was okay. At least, if it wouldn’t be okay forever, it was in that moment. 

 

Connor didn't know exactly where he was driving to until he arrived. It was an out of body experience; but somehow, miraculously, he had driven himself back to the hospital.

He had only one thought on his mind, it was the only ever thought that constantly remained on his mind. 

Evan.

See Evan, see Evan, see Evan, make sure Evan's okay, make sure Evan's safe, make sure Evan's happy, check Evan's not alone, make sure Evan doesn't know or ever find out about anything that just happened in Paul's office. Evan Evan Evan Evan. 

He raced through the white, too clean, full of memories that he'd rather forget, halls - so very familiar to the first time he arrived to see his boyfriend after their argument - and Connor had this nagging feeling at the back of his mind that Hansen was sitting all alone in that hospital bed and the thought of it practically terrified him. 

"Hansen!" Connor yelled, as he raced towards the ward Evan was on.

"Sir!" A nurse exclaimed, hurrying to stop him in his tracks, "Sir, I'm sorry but you can't go in there without-"

"Please," he begged, but he'd never admit to it, "My boyfriend's in there, Evan Hansen I saw him earlier today but I need to make sure he's okay-"

The nurse sighed and looked down at her clipboard, "What's your name?"

"Connor Murphy." 

She wrote the name down, "Do you have any ID?"

"Uh... yeah, yeah." He patted down all the pockets in his jeans and jacket until he found his wallet, pulled out his drivers license and flashed it to her.

She nodded and said that she had jotted his name down so that in the future if he needed to seen Evan he could just show his ID and come in, he thanked her and headed down to the room he knew his boyfriend was in.

"Evan!" Connor leaned against the doorframe, catching his breath from running all the way from the car park to the room.

"Yeah?" The blonde looked up, he was sitting up in bed and reading a nature magazine that the doctors had left in a pile on the bedside table. Apart from the bulky cast on his arm, his boyfriend looked absolutely normal and the relief almost made Connor pass out.

"I just," he shrugged. Just what? It sounded pretty stupid, I ranted to my therapist about all the things I've done to hurt you and I just had to check to see if you were alright because fuck I've done too much to hurt you. "I just wanted to see if you were alright." 

"I was a-alright when you l-left," Evan smiled confusedly, he moved to the right of the bed and patted the spot on his left showing Connor he wanted the long haired boy to sit next to him. Connor did and put an arm around Evan's shoulder, holding the blonde close to him, his long legs stretched over the edge of the bed and Evan held his hand so they were squished and in a bed that was far too small for the both of them and it was perfect. 

"H-How did y-your therapy session g-go?" Hansen asked, using the hand that wasn’t holding Connor’s to scratch at the cast on his left arm.

“It was okay.” He replied, pulling Evan’s hand away from his cast so that he would stop scratching, “You shouldn’t do that, Ev.” 

“It’s itchy.” The anxious boy frowned but he listened to Connor and stopped nonetheless.

Connor grinned slightly just because Evan looked adorable in his pyjama pants and t shirt and bed head and his eyes were still slightly unfocused because of the pain meds, even though they were fully worn off now. “Do you know when you can go home?” He asked, instead.

“T-The nurse came in e-earlier and s-said later t-today, so at l-least I don’t h-have to have hospital food.” The shorter boy joked. 

Connor laughed, “That’s good.” 

Evan laughed shakily too, wincing and gazing down at his arm when it was jostled lightly by two seventeen year old boys sharing a single hospital bed together. 

“Does it hurt?” Connor frowned, “Do I need to get the doctor?” 

He shook his head, “N-No, I’m fine.”

“Hansen-“

“N-No, seriously! I don’t n-need a doctor, I’ve got y-you.” 

“I’m not a doctor!” 

“N-No.” Evan mused, “You’re b-better than.” 

Connor chuckled and kissed his forehead, “I love you. I’ve decided I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you.” 

The blonde smiled, tracing patterns with his finger on Connors hand, “I love you t-too.” 

Evan knew Connor and his mum eventually had to meet. But Heidi was still quite wary of Connor and the last thing Evan wanted was for something to go wrong and for Connor to realise that he could do way better than him. It wasn’t lying necessarily, it was simply hiding the truth and if he had to do that to hide the dark side of Connor from Heidi and to protect Connor from his dark side then that’s what he was going to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been working on this chapter for nearly two weeks and I just can’t seem to get it right???
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	20. Chapter 20

He was discharged from the hospital later that day. Connor drove him home, since Heidi had a class to go to, and although usually Connor would drive quite recklessly he made sure to be extra careful around the potholes and bends so that Evan's arm wasn't jostled much. 

Connor couldn't stay long, he got Evan comfortable on the sofa with a blanket and some painkillers and put the blondes favourite movie (The Lorax) on television, he wanted nothing more than to snuggle up with his boyfriend under the blanket and fall asleep watching some old cartoon movie about fluffy orange creatures and trees but he knew that if he got home any later than he already was then Larry would have his head.

"Hey Hansen, I've got to go but call me if you need anything," he said softly, placing a kiss on Evan's forehead. 

"W-Will you be safe?" He slurred in reply, eyes already falling shut. 

Connor laughed, "Course I will."

"Okay," Evan yawned, "Love y-you." 

"I love you, too." He smiled, watching his boyfriend close his eyes and snuggle deeper into the blankets, chest rising and falling with every breath. "A lot." 

He turned down the volume on the television and sneaked out of the house, closing the front door softly as he left, in case Evan woke up. 

 

The last thing Connor wanted to do was to go home. Well, calling it 'home' was a bit of a stretch because it wasn't and could never be his home. It was just a household he so happened to be a part of.

The truth was, Connor had been homeless for a long, long time. He had all the luxuries of a roof over your head, food in your stomach but never the warmth of a loved one or the sound of laughter and people enjoying life. 

Because there was never any laughter in the Murphy household and if he remembered correctly, the last time he had seen his parents actually enjoying their life was a New Year's Eve party at a friends home. Connor had been eight years old, Zoe was almost seven and they were so in awe of the fireworks that Larry and someone else who he couldn't remember the name of, were setting off. Connor had wanted to help them but Larry scooped him up into his arms and told him that he didn't want Connor to get hurt and that when he was a big boy he could help, Connor used to protest that he was a big boy thank you very much but Larry laughed and told him to go play with Zoe. 

But none of that mattered because now he had found a home in Evan Hansen, going to his house was just something he had to do.

It wasn't a surprise to open the front door and see Larry standing by the staircase, arms folded, like they usually were when he wanted to yell at Connor. 

"Where have you been?" He asked, sternly. "You've not been home for almost two days!" 

Connor shrugged, "I'm sorry."

The older man scoffed, "Oh you're gonna be sorry, now where have you been?" 

With my boyfriend who was in the hospital with a broken arm because I led him to suicide when I picked a fight with him right after making love for the first time. 

"Nowhere." 

"So getting high?" Larry raised an eyebrow, "I'll ask Zoe, I know something's up with you!"

Before Connor could process what was happening, his dad had smacked his hand against the wall in anger and raced up the stairs. 

"Zoe!" He yelled, banging on her bedroom door which was locked shut, "Zoe, answer me!" 

Connor followed him, feet banging on the stairs and the hallway floorboards as both men raced down the hallway to Zoe's bedroom. 

"Stop it!" He was screaming, but he could barely hear his own screams over the relentless pounding on the door, "Stop it, she doesn't know shit!" 

He could see the hinges on the door weakening and heard his sister sobbing the other side, he quickly moved in front of Larry blocking the older man's access to the door. Larry didn't seem to realise what Connor had done as this time he didn't pound his fist into the door, instead he pounded his fist into Connor's face. 

Connor stumbled back, falling against the door. He held his nose in agony, positive it must be broken. His vision danced in front of him and he could just about make out Cynthia standing over Larry's shoulder and shouting at him, Zoe could still be heard sobbing and he turned his head to look through the crack in the door that Larry had made. His little sister was crouched into the furthest corner of her room, hands covering her ears and knees pulled up to her chest. 

"Alright, I'll fucking tell you!" Connor yelled, standing up and wiping the blood off his face, Cynthia handed him an ice pack which he graciously accepted and held against his nose, god knows where she got that from so quickly. "Just leave her alone." 

Somehow, Larry had fixed Zoe's door and had apologised to his daughter, she was very quiet for the rest of the evening but said that she was going to spend the night at Alana's. 

When she had gone, Cynthia and Larry sat in front of Connor and waited.

There were many ways to go about this. He could start from the very beginning, how he stormed off from their picnic and found Evan and ended up falling in love with him. He could just say that he knew Evan from school and they decided to start dating. Whatever way he chose to word it, there wasn't any outcome that didn't have it's affects on Evan and their relationship. 

So with the little patience he had left and with the pain still coming from his nose, which would for sure leave a bruise, he chose to simply rip the bandage off. 

"I have a boyfriend."

Cynthia gasped, "Connor! Why didn't you tell us? I mean, I knew you were gay but-"

"You knew our son was gay?" Larry cut in, jaw clenched. 

She nodded slowly, eyes calculating, "Yes, I did. He told me."

"Yeah and you didn't take it all fucking well so now you know why I didn't want to tell you about him." Connor snapped. 

Cynthia hummed, "Yes well... when can we meet him?"

That threw Connor off course, when he had come out Cynthia had picked a fight with him! Now she wanted to meet Evan? It didn’t seem like her at all but he was too tired to fight back. He was too tired to do a lot of things. 

"I-I guess I could ask him?" He stuttered, that was usually Evan's thing! 

"How wonderful!" She smiled tightly, although this was the furthest thing from wonderful in Connor's mind. Larry quite obviously didn't approve and Cynthia wasn't supportive when he came out and he had no idea why she was so excited to meet his boyfriend now. 

"Does he love you?" Larry asked sharply.

Connor narrowed his eyes, "Yes."

"And you love him?"

"Yes."

"Has he seen your arms?"

Connor self consciously pulled the sleeves of his hoodie down lower, "Yes."

"And he still loves you?"

"Yes."

He raised an eyebrow at that but didn't say anything more, nobody said anything more for the rest of the night. After some time, Connor awkwardly said that he was tired and was going to go to bed. 

He sighed heavily after flopping down onto his bed, still in the clothes he was wearing the first time he had visited Evan in the hospital! Instead of going to sleep, Connor pulled out his phone and texted Evan asking if he was okay with meeting his parents. The blonde took a while to reply, probably because he was still sleeping Connor thought fondly, he was a bit anxious at first but eventually came round to the idea as long as Connor would be there. They scheduled it for the following night and said I Love You before falling asleep.

Because that’s what normal couples do, and that’s what they were steadily becoming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, thanks for reading!!
> 
> Next chapter, Evan will meet Cynthia and Larry!!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	21. Chapter 21

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Connor asked for hundredth time that evening, he and Evan were standing outside the Murphy front door, Connor had gone to pick Evan up but he could feel the tension radiating off of his boyfriend as soon as he saw him. "Because it's not too late to back out."

"C-Connor," Evan smiled, shakily, "I w-want to do this. I want t-to meet your f-family." 

"Positive?"

"D-Do y-you... not want m-me to meet them?" He asked, hesitantly. It was a stupid question to ask, of course, obviously since Connor had been the one who invited him over but were they rushing? Hadn't all of there relationship been a huge rush? 

The long haired boy's eyes hardened, "You know that's not what I meant, Hansen." 

Evan looked at the ground and wrapped his arms tightly around himself, as tightly as one could with a cast on their forearm, "S-Sorry." He stuttered, quietly, "That w-was a s-stupid thing to a-ask, I just-" 

"Hey," Connor said softly, grabbing Evan's hands to hold in his own, "I'm sorry, I just want you to be comfortable." 

"I-I am. With you." 

He grinned, "I swear I won't leave your side, Hansen." 

Evan smiled to himself as Connor rang the doorbell, he said he left his keys on his bedside table, but a part of Evan wished that nobody would answer the door and he wouldn't have to deal with everyone asking him questions, what are you doing at school? Do you like school? How did you and Connor meet? What do your parents do for work? What happened to your dad? What happened to your arm? 

It was all so overwhelming and nothing had even happened yet!

He was about to, and Evan would deny this for the rest of Connor and his relationship, he was about to turn around and run and decide that it wasn't worth it, but that was when Connor noticed how pale he had gone, taken his hand and kissed it right before Mrs Murphy opened the door. 

And all of a sudden there was no turning back, there was no second chance and it was either face the entire Murphy family anxiety be damned or run away, like he always did. 

What do you think he chose?

"You must be Evan." Mrs Murphy smiled tightly, she seemed a pleasant enough woman. She was a bit overdressed for meeting her son's boyfriend or perhaps Evan was underdressed.

They walked into the house, Evan squeezing the life out of Connor's hand but the taller boy didn't even seem to flinch, all the while he and Mrs Murphy were getting into a disagreement about how irresponsible it was to leave the keys to your own house at home. 

***TRIGGER WARNING***

"Just absolutely ridiculous! But of course I know why they're in your bedroom in the first place, Connor, I've seen the blood marks on them!"

Connor sighed, he looked exhausted to Evan and he wished more than anything that he could take away the tiredness behind his eyes, "Can we not do this now?" 

"Apparently your boyfriend's seen your arms so I don't know what you're-"

***END OF TRIGGER WARNING***

"Mum!" A voice sounded from the doorway and Evan's vice grip on Connor released slightly when he saw another familiar face, "Drop it, this night is supposed to be about getting to know Evan." Zoe Murphy said, Connor's sister.

He had seen her around school, outside the music classroom, helping students out after class, making sure the students Connor had yelled at were okay. 

Mrs Murphy sighed, "Sorry, Evan. Why don't you kids go sit down? Dinner will be out soon, I think Larry's already at the table."

She showed them out of the kitchen, the three of them left to talk in the hallway since nobody wanted to go and spend time with Larry.

"So," Zoe began, smiling, "you're the one brave enough to go out with my brother."

"Watch it, Zo." Connor said sharply, protectively wrapping an arm around Evan's waist and pulling him closer.

"I'm only teasing."

"A-Actually, I think h-he's the one b-brave enough to go o-out with me." Evan replied, smiling slightly.

This is what people did, right? Make jokes and smile and be polite? Apparently it was, since Zoe laughed. 

They spent the next ten minutes in the hallway, laughing and teasing each other and Evan hadn't seen Connor laugh that hard in a long time, he found that he quite liked Zoe Murphy. She was kind and outgoing and didn't ask intrusive questions, he didn't miss the way the atmosphere sometimes got a little heavy between the two siblings but the awkwardness was quickly covered up by another joke. 

Then Mrs Murphy called that dinner was ready and they all sat down, Connor point blank refusing to sit anywhere else apart from next to Evan. 

"So, Ethan-"

"It's Evan, Larry." Connor corrected him, fork clenched tightly in his hand. 

"Yes, Evan." Larry waved his hand, "You know Connor from school?"

“I- yeah.” He said stupidly, pushing the food around on his plate. He wasn’t really hungry but holding a knife and fork gave him something to do with his hands besides fidget.

The conversation died out, the only sound was cutlery scraping against plates until Zoe spoke up, “Evan’s very good academically, Dad.”

He furrowed his eyebrows at that. He really wasn’t, he was around average in all of his grades and he always failed on the speaking assignments, which happened quite a lot in English, so for someone like Zoe Murphy, who was actually good at academics, to say that was a rather bizarre thing to say because she didn’t really know him that well because he was in the year above her so how would she even know what grades he got and now everyone was going to expect a lot from him and oh god, was someone talking to him?

“Ev, Evan?” Connor was saying, “Hansen!” 

“W-What?” He stuttered, pulling himself out of it, “Sorry I z-zoned out, w-what were you saying, s-sir?”

Connor frowned and tapped on his thigh three times, their secret code for asking if the other was okay and Evan nodded. 

“I was asking what your best subjects were.” Larry replied, pointedly.

“Oh don’t interrogate the poor boy, Larry!” Cynthia snapped.

“I-It’s okay, um, I g-guess Biology would b-be my f-favourite subject.”

Larry raised his eyebrows, clearly not getting the answer he was hoping for although what that was, Evan didn’t have a clue.

“Biology, huh?” He heard him mutter under his breath, “Still better than English.”

Connor rolled his eyes and Cynthia, clearly detecting another argument about to break out, hurried to change the subject she cast her eyes around the room until finally landing on the one thing the blonde wanted to avoid talking about.

The cast on his arm.

“Oh Evan, dear!” She gasped, quite over dramatically, “Why didn’t you say you had a broken arm-“

“Cynthia-“ Connor tried to cut in but she acted as if not to hear him.

“I would have made something a little more easier to eat!”

“Cynthia-“

“No strain to lift your knife and fork that way-“

“Mum!” Connor suddenly shouted, the noise echoing through the empty dining room and all other sound ceased to exist.

“How did you break it?” She finally asked, in a hush whisper as if to avoid her son hearing her.

This was it, Evan thought, this was the worst case scenario. What could he say? Could he lie? He could lie but he had always been a terrible liar and Connor would know that he was lying because he was the only one that knew the truth and then what, it would look like Evan was ashamed that he had tried to commit suicide but then would Connor take that personally considering all the times that he’d been the one in the hospital bed? The one hearing that god forsaken beep beep beep and he could hear it now. Echoing inside of his skull, crashing against his brain like a wave and fuck was he drowning in it! 

He couldn’t breath, suddenly the cast felt tighter than usual and he ached to just get it the fuck off of him and he wanted to rip it off and he wanted to try it all over again. But he also wanted to take it back. 

And within all of this mess he felt someone pull him up from his chair and pull him outside and then that someone was saying his name but he couldn’t remember who but he knew that if it wasn’t Connor then he didn’t want them saying his name because it only sounded right when Connor said it.

“Evan, it’s me, okay?” It was Connor, but he could barely make him out, his vision was swimming and his feet were unsteady and everything was going past so quickly that it was giving him a headache, “We’re outside, you’re safe. It’s just you and me, and I’m going to calm you down and then we’re going to get in the car and we’re going to drive home. To your home, okay? And I’m not going to leave you alone for even a second but you’ve got to calm down for me, yeah? Just take a deep breath, just like this.”

He doesn’t remember much but he remembers doing everything that voice tells him to do until he’s breathing properly again because he feels as if he could trust that voice with his life.

And in many ways, he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of this chapter is clunky. Is that just me? Am I the only one who thinks it’s clunky??
> 
> Thanks for reading everybody!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	22. Chapter 22

"I-I'm s-sorry!" He sobbed, choking over the emotion in his voice, heavy gushes of tears streaking themselves down his blotchy face, "I'm s-so, so, s-sorry." 

They were back at his house now, the drive over was quiet except for the radio that Connor had on a low hum but now that they were back in Evan's living room and the reality of what just happened having just set in, he found himself panicking all over again. 

Connor sighed, "Stop it."

"I r-really d-didn't m-mean it, I-I wish I c-could take it a-all back, I'm s-so s-sorry." Evan stuttered over his words more so than usual in his haste to get them out. He had to make Connor understand, he had to make sure Connor understood. "I-I didn't m-mean to l-let go."

Connor didn't know why, but seeing Evan like this was making him mad. He didn't blame the blonde in the slightest for what had happened, he didn't know who he was even mad at but there was that feeling deep inside that he had to be mad at someone and then it hit him. 

He was angry with himself, that he had reduced Evan Hansen into a sobbing wreck. And it was true! If Connor wasn't in the picture then everything bad that had happened to Evan this summer wouldn't have happened at all, no. 

He wouldn't have fallen out with Jared Kleinman, his best friend.

He wouldn't have fallen out with Heidi because no matter how many times Evan denied it, Connor knew that he was one of the reasons why they had an argument. 

He wouldn't have jumped out of that fucking tree.

He wouldn't have lost his job at the Orchard.

He wouldn't have been hurt by Connor because Connor had hurt him more times than he had ever meant to.

He wouldn't have had all of these panic attacks that have been started by him or caused by the things that Connor fucking did.

And the list just went on and on and Connor knew that the longer they stayed together, the more the list was going to grow and the thought made his stomach churn violently.

"You don't need to keep saying you're fucking sorry, Hansen!" He yelled, instead. He didn't mean to yell, he didn't ever want to raise his voice but he couldn't fucking concentrate and all he wanted was to make Evan safe and he wasn't even doing that but he couldn't stop himself.

"I n-need you to k-know that I a-am though!" Evan yelled back, blue eyes swimming with unshed tears and he looked at Connor with a burning intensity of desperation that made the long haired boy want to physically throw up as he realised that this is what he's done to someone who he loves more than life itself.

"You have nothing to be sorry for!" He argued, desperately. "Please, Hansen," he chocked on the verge of tears, "I've fucking done this to you, okay? I'm a fucking monster and you need to leave now before I hurt you more than I already fucking have."

Evan shook his head, wiping the tears off of his face with his cast free arm, "I don't care." He said, fiercely, "I love you, w-whatever you need me to d-do, I'm here. I'm w-willing to do i-it all. Y-You want to s-scream, yell and c-cry at me u-until it all f-feels better? Go ahead. You w-want to break a-and throw t-things? Do it. You want t-to call me a-at all hours o-of the day? I-I'll pick up, e-every time. Y-You don't want to s-say anything and just sit h-here in silence, w-with me? I'll be r-right there."

Connor blinked and suddenly all the tears that had been threatening to fall, fell and they didn't stop coming. He wanted to smoke, to get a razor blade, to scream, throw something, but he wasn't willing to do any of it in front of Evan Hansen so in that very moment, he cried. Ugly, snotty tears that forced themselves out of his chest until he was gasping for breath and he had never felt more remorseful for all the times he brought this feeling upon Evan then he did in that moment. 

It wasn't the first time they'd cried in front of each other and it was bound to not be the last but this time they felt more vulnerable, this time it felt like a promise. To always make sure the other was safe. 

"Why are you still here?" Connor asked in a whisper, voice cracking with tears, "I've broken you."

"No." Evan replied, holding onto Connor's hand as he'd done for Evan many times, "You've b-broken yourself and t-taken me with you a-and I wouldn't have it a-any other way."

Connor grinned that wonderful cheeky grin through his tears and leaned in to kiss Evan, it was wet and salty and snotty but it was real and it was them.

Soon they were racing each other up the stairs, into Evan's bedroom and Connor laid Evan down so gently on the queen sized bed almost afraid that the blonde would break, they wiped the tears of off one another's face and fumbled their way out of their clothing, laughing at the way Connor dramatically flung Evan's top in the corner of the room and the way Connor swore when the fly to his jeans got stuck. 

Evan flushed a bright red when Connor trailed kisses up and down his torso and gasped especially when he hit that place on his neck. 

Connor sighed in relief when Evan finally touched him and nearly embarrassed himself with how quickly he almost came undone. Almost. 

They both said "I love you" getting louder and louder with each thrust Connor gave into Evan until Connor moaned when Evan pulled his hair and they both finished.

It wasn't the first time they had been with each other in bed, but after all the promises and tears and ugly truths it was definitely the most intimate and vulnerable they had been. 

In that moment everything was okay, because they were both safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A rushed filler chapter with angst AND smut, you say?? How rare.
> 
> This chapter sucks, pretty much, but it needed to happen for the Plot so thanks for reading!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	23. Chapter 23

Connor woke up the following morning to his phone buzzing. He sighed heavily, the last thing in the world he could possibly want right now to was to get up and move and face the day, he was in Evan's bed with Evan laying right next to him and this is how it should have gone the first time they had made love with each other.

Waking up in the afterglow, the intimacy of cuddling during the night, seeing Evan gently trace the zig zags on his arms with his fingertips. It was perfect. Not smoking and getting into an argument, and Connor had never regretted anything more than what he had put the blonde boy through. 

"Someone really w-wants to talk to you." Evan slurred sleepily, pulling the duvet up higher over himself and snuggling into his warm boyfriend. 

"It's Zoe," he mumbled in response, glancing at all the messages lighting up the phone screen, "She wants to know if we're okay."

"Are w-we?" 

"Are you?"

Evan smiled and opened his eyes, the blue colour matching so well with the morning sun that streaked into the room, he looked so fresh and happy and Connor selfishly wanted to hide Evan Hansen from the world, so that nobody would ever be so lucky enough to see what he saw. 

"Yes." He said, simply and Connor loved it. 

Loved the way that Evan could look directly at him and look as if he saw something in Connor worth seeing. 

Loved the way that Connor could ask him a question, quite possibly one of the most simplest questions in the world, although have it hold a thousand weights of purpose and Evan replied with quite possibly one of the most simplest answers in the world, and it still held that same great amount of purpose. 

Loved the way he felt when he was with Evan. In their own little wonderland that they had built, dreaming of the day when they would both feel okay and safe and everything they had gone through together would be nothing more than a memory filled with bittersweet nostalgia.

"Good." Connor whispered, cupping Evan's face in the palm of his hand and gently bringing him up for a kiss. 

__________________

Connor left soon after eating breakfast together, and thankfully well before Jared showed up. 

Evan desperately wanted the two of them to get along, they were the only people in his life he really cared about besides Heidi, and he thought that perhaps this time he could persuade Jared into giving Connor a second chance.

"So tell me, Ev." Jared began, opening all of the kitchen cabinets in the Hansen kitchen looking for snacks, "How are you and the Emo?"

Evan furrowed his brows and took a seat at the table in the kitchen, "You r-really want to talk a-about Connor?"

He snickered, "You basically just admitted your boyfriend is an Emo."

"Jared."

"Okay okay, I'm sorry." He cleared his throat, "No, I don't want to talk about him because you know how I feel about him. But I can see that you're itching to tell me something, so go ahead. The floor's yours."

Evan sighed mentally, was he really that obvious? Of course he wanted to talk about Connor but he didn't want Jared to feel like that was the only thing he cared about, they were friends and Evan wanted to just spend time with him as well. 

If only he had the balls to say that out loud.

"I-I met his parents l-last night." He decided on instead.

"And?" 

“His mum, C-Cynthia.” Was this a good idea? To tell Jared this? He already didn’t like Connor, did he really need another reason to not trust him? “She asked about my c-cast.”

The other boy froze, a can of Pepsi centimetres away from his mouth which was hanging open, “Shit, what did you say?” 

He asked it in a way that dripped so much of shock and empathy that Evan flushed with embarrassment because he was already mortified by the whole situation and what he had done but he didn’t need to be reminded of it. 

Evan bit his lip, what had he said? Nothing. He had panicked and Connor had taken him home. But Connor could have said something, how would he have known? He was completely out of it. It suddenly struck him that the Murphy’s could know the whole entire truth and the thought of that shouldn’t have made him nauseous but it did, on the other hand would Connor really do that? It wasn’t his story to tell and as far as the blonde could gather, he hadn’t said a word to anyone. Because Evan trusted him and he appeared to respect that trust. How long it’ll last, Evan didn’t know.

“What did you say, Evan?” Jared pressed and he suddenly found interest in the kitchen tiles as he couldn’t bear to see the expression on his friends face when he replied.

“I don’t k-know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? It literally happened last night.” 

“I mean I don’t know what h-happened because I p-panicked and Connor t-took me home, t-that’s all I remember.” He snapped and oh god it was all going to kick off now, wasn’t it? Why couldn’t he have kept his mouth shut, why did he insist on only telling Jared the bad things about Connor? He never told him all the good things, although Jared probably wouldn’t want to hear about them anyway.

Jared rolled his eyes, shaking his head he slammed the Pepsi can down on the kitchen counter and yelled, “Jesus Christ, how many anxiety attacks does Connor Murphy have to fucking trigger before you realise that he’s not worth it!” 

Evan flinched at the sound, “It wasn’t h-him!” He insisted, “His parents j-just asked a l-lot of questions-“

“Because I bet they’re wondering why you’re going out with their son too!” 

“I’m g-going out with him b-because I love him!” He replied, blinking back tears of frustration, “I don’t want to fight.” He added in a softer tone.

The other boy acted like he didn’t hear the last part and perhaps he didn’t, perhaps Evan didn’t even say it out loud, “Well it doesn’t seem like he loves you, Evan.”

“How w-would you know?” He cried, “You can’t even b-be in the same room as him without g-getting at each other’s t-throats! How do you think that makes me f-feel?”

“If he loved you then he wouldn’t have done whatever it was he did to push you out of that fucking tree.” Jared seethed, “Which you still won’t tell me about.”

“He didn’t p-push me, Jared!” Evan exclaimed, incredulously.

“Oh no, he did. He really did. Not physically but you weren’t the one who let go, Evan, he pushed you.”

He shook his head desperately, ignoring the tears that fell down his face, god he was getting so sick of crying all the time. “J-Just go, please.” He chocked, “I don’t w-want to hear this.”

“You don’t want to hear the truth.” Jared replied, pointedly.

“I-“

“Face it, Evan!” He continued, gesturing madly and looking more frustrated than Evan had ever seen him, “Before you met Connor did you ever think of suicide? Did you ever cry yourself to sleep at night? Yell at your mum? Yeah I know about that, by the way. Hell, I haven’t seen you have this many panic attacks during the summer since we were kids! Have you ever sliced up your arms, Evan? Huh? Did you ever think about that before you met Connor Murphy or did he lead you to believe-“

“YES!” Evan screamed, so loudly and suddenly that the sound of it echoed through the small kitchen because he didn’t want to hear this, didn’t need to be reminded of it all because he had done everything that Jared was listing and most of it was before he fell in love with Connor Murphy. “Yes, okay?! Is t-that what you w-want me to say? B-Because I’ve thought about and done most o-of those things before I met C-Connor because maybe I’m a bit fucking broken t-too! B-But you don’t care about that, do y-you?” 

He managed to bring himself to look at Jared’s face and he really wished he hadn’t. His friends eyes were wide and he had gone a shade of pale mixed with green, his eyes were welling up with tears of his own and Evan heard him audibly gulp before shakily saying, “Evan, I-“

“Get out.” Evan interrupted, firmly. “P-Please. Just... get out.”

Jared seemed to shake himself out of it although he still looked to be full of shock, he turned to leave but now before saying quietly, “Just so you know, we never used to fight this much before you started dating Connor and I miss my best friend.” 

Evan put his head in his hands and didn’t move a muscle until he heard the front door open and close and suddenly he was all alone. 

And he sobbed.

That wasn’t meant to happen, none of it was ever meant to happen! He didn’t mean to fall in love with Connor Murphy, he didn’t mean to make Jared Kleinman, his one friend, hate him, he didn’t mean to fall out that stupid tree, he didn’t mean to keep disappointing people and disappointing people but he didn’t know how to stop. Because every time he tried to do the right thing, it somehow backfired and he would be stuck.

So Evan cried. About everything and for everyone and he didn’t stop crying until Heidi came home from her shift and asked him what was wrong and he just shook his head and fell asleep in her arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst Angst Angst!!! 
> 
> Thanks for reading, please leave a review!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m just gonna TRIGGER WARNING THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER FOR MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND SUICIDE ATTEMPTS!!!!!!!!

Evan didn’t know exactly what had happened or how quickly it happened or really what even led to it happening, but early in the morning the following day he awoke at 5am to a frantic stream of text messages from Zoe. 

His heart immediately clenched painfully in his chest and he tried his best to swallow the lump in his throat that was making it impossible to breathe, a million and one thoughts began running through his mind. Why was Zoe texting him at 5am in the morning? Was something wrong with Connor? Was Connor sick? Was Connor safe? How had she even gotten his number? Where was Connor? 

 

ZOE MURPHY: Hey Evan, it’s Zoe. Sorry to wake you but come to the hospital as quickly as you can, it’s an emergency. 

 

He leaped out of bed, not even bothering to change out of his leaf print pyjama bottoms but he did switch out his t shirt for an extra big sweatshirt that he had stolen from Connor. 

He raced downstairs, writing a rushed note to Heidi explaining where he was going and that he’d try to be back soon and leaving it on the kitchen counter, Evan left the house as quickly and as quietly as he could with being in such a state, and got on the next bus to the hospital.

Evan didn’t get the bus much, well he didn’t really go anywhere to warrant a use of it, but it was rather peaceful at this hour. The radio was set to a low hum, the streets were clear and it was still partially dark outside, there were a few other people on there as well, all types of people. 

He failed to find interest in his surroundings whatsoever. Evan had always been an early riser so he didn’t feel tired in any sense, he was on edge. It was like he’d downed ten doses of caffeine at once. He couldn’t sit still, he fiddled with the loose fabric of the bus seat, he squirmed in his chair, anxiously biting his nails all the while wondering what could have happened to his boyfriend for Zoe to text him at 5am asking him to come to the hospital because it was an emergency.

“Evan!” Zoe cried, running up to the front desk, he had tried explaining why he was there to the lady behind reception because it wasn’t visiting hours but that hadn’t worked out so he’d had to ask Zoe to come get him. 

“Ma’am,” the lady said in an exasperated tone, “This young man says he’s here to see your brother, I’m afraid visiting hours are between two o’clock and five o’clock-“

“It’s fine, he’s family.” She replied, waving her off. The lady clearly didn’t seem to buy it but she let up anyway and allowed Evan to go through to the waiting room. 

“W-What happened?” Evan asked immediately, they sat down in the uncomfortable hospital chairs together, “Is Connor o-okay? Where a-are Cynthia a-and Larry?” 

Zoe took a deep shaky breath, she looked like she’d been crying and Evan tried to convince himself that she could have been crying for any reason, it didn’t have to be related to Connor, “Connor’s fine. At least, he will be. My parents are away on a business trip.”

“What-“

“He said he had a migraine.” She whispered, turning to look at him, “On the drive over here, he kept saying that he had gotten a migraine and the doctors think he overdosed on painkillers.”

Evan’s breath hitched, he felt tears welling up in his eyes when he asked, “B-But... he’s okay, right? H-He’s not, he c-can’t be-“

“He’s alive, Evan.” 

And Evan didn’t realise how badly he needed to hear those three words until he had heard them, he had never wanted to assume that Connor could be dead but it was always a possibility, a looming sense of dread that hung over their relationship. 

He sighed in relief, allowing himself to have a small smile spread across his lips.

Then a thought suddenly occurred to him that made his blood run cold, and Evan almost didn’t want to ask because it was so terrible, but he had to. He didn’t have a choice. “D-Did he really h-have a migraine?” 

It was a terrible thing to say and Evan hated himself for wanting to know the answer. But what if this had been a suicide attempt? And all that they’ve worked so hard for in their relationship would have been over, just like that? For as long as they had been dating Connor had never once mentioned getting a migraine or even having one! It wasn’t an unbelievable possibility that it was a failed suicide. 

Zoe shook her head, it appeared that she had been wrestling with that thought as well and she looked grateful that Evan had asked it instead of her, “He used to get them quite a lot,” she shrugged shakily, “so it’s not completely unbelievable. But I’m not sure.”

Evan nodded. Just nodded. He didn’t have anymore questions or need anymore answers from Zoe, what he needed was to see Connor. He needed to set this right because there had to be something he was missing. 

Two hours later, Evan and Zoe had fallen asleep in the hospital chairs but they were awoken by a nurse coming out of Connor’s room, “Are you the family of Connor Murphy?” She asked and they both nodded sleepily, “He’s awake now and up to visitors if you’d like to see him.” They thanked her and she walked away.

“I think you should go first.” Zoe said immediately.

“N-No, Zoe.” Evan tried to argue even though he was desperate to get behind that door and see his boyfriend and make sure his boyfriend was alright, “He’s your b-brother.”

“I’ll just make him angry.” She smiled sadly and nudged him, “Go.”

“Thank you.” He replied gratefully and walked into Connor’s room.

It definitely brought back memories, memories he didn’t wish to relive but he didn’t seem to have a choice. There was that beep beep beep of the heart rate monitor but this time it was not his heart, it was Connor’s. The walls were the same shade as white, the sheets were crisp and there were wires everywhere, each hooked up to a different machine and in the middle of it all sat Connor Murphy, sitting up in bed with a cheeky grin on his face like nothing had happened at all.

And it filled Evan up with more anger than he knew what to do with. 

“Hey Hansen,” The long haired boy greeted, “Nice pants.” He added, getting a glance at Evan’s pyjama pants. 

The blonde blinked, he looked at Connor, down to his pyjamas and then back up to Connor. He couldn’t wrap his head around it, he couldn’t wrap his head around Connor, he didn’t want Jared to be right but for a small fraction of a second Evan Hansen believed every single word that Jared had ever said about Connor. 

How he was unstable, a ticking time bomb, someone who was just going to end up hurting Evan. Probably the only person in the world who could claim to suffer from an extremely painful migraine, so painful that he took enough painkillers to fucking overdose on them, be driven to the hospital by his sister in the middle of the night, have his stomach pumped, then a few hours later he sitting up in bed and teasing his boyfriend.

He was angry. He didn’t know why he was angry, but he was. Almost unbearably so.

“You p-promised me.” Evan whispered, scratching at the cast on his arm.

“What?”

“You promised me!” Evan repeated stronger, and he took pride in the fact that Connor looked slightly taken aback, “You promised me t-that you’d be safe.”

“What, Evan!” He exclaimed, laughing slightly, “I am safe! I’m still alive and kicking.” And there was that cheeky grin that the blonde had fallen in love with but now he hardly recognised the person in front of him.

“But you d-don’t want to b-be,” the anxious boy dared to ask, “do you?”

Connor rolled his eyes, “I had a killer headache and I took one too many painkillers, I don’t understand what you’re problem is.”

“And I don’t u-understand why you keep lying to y-yourself.”

“What do I have to say to make you believe me, Ev?” He said, voice getting louder with every word and oh god Connor was going to get angry. But he didn’t know that Evan could get angry too. “Stop being so fucking ridiculous all the time!” 

Evan wasn’t the fighting kind of type, never one for confrontation, but somehow Connor managed to bring out all the built up tension within him and he could only take a step back from his own body and watch as he self destructed his own world with every single frustration that had been bubbling from the beginning.

“Me stop b-being ridiculous?” He hissed, incredulously, “I’m worried a-about you, Connor! Do y-you know what it’s l-like to be constantly s-scared that one day you’re going to w-wake up to a p-phone call saying that your b-boyfriend is fucking dead! B-Because he fucking k-killed himself! Because he hates himself so f-fucking much and no m-matter what you do, you will n-never be enough to keep him h-happy!”

“Well I’ve had that fucking phone call, Evan!” Connor shouted back, “You don’t get that, do you? A paramedic called me saying that my boyfriend is in the hospital because they think he tried to kill himself! And I was the reason why!”

“You were not the reason why!” Evan screamed, he was breathing heavily now and he could feel himself going red in the cheeks but he couldn’t stop.

“What the fuck was it then?” Connor screamed in response.

“I...” he paused, even he didn’t know the exact reason why. If he could take it all back then he would, doesn’t Connor realise that? He let go in a moment of weakness but he’s give anything to have that moment back.

“See.” The Murphy boy scoffed, voice hoarse from yelling, “Do you know what it’s like knowing that you drove your boyfriend to suicide? The one person you love more than anything in the whole fucking world.” 

“I love you too.” Evan replied, automatically and softly and he could feel all the anger that he had felt before just melting away. 

Connor sighed and pushing his hair back off his face, “I need something to live for, a hobby, a dream. Anything.”

“What about m-me?”

“No. I can’t keep hurting you, Hansen. It isn’t fair to you.”

“I-I don’t mind.”

Connor smiled lazily and looked over at Evan, “You wouldn’t say if you did.” He shifted over in bed and patted the bed for him to come over. Evan did as he was told, snuggling up to Connor’s side and losing himself in the safe feeling of his boyfriend’s arms wrapped around him as they whispered soft apologies to each other.

Evan never really did find out the truth about whether or not the overdose was another suicide attempt, but he did spend the rest of their relationship and then some after wondering if things would have gone differently if he’d known what had really happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love creating angst. Please leave a review! Thank you!
> 
> Iris  
> Xoxo


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